Tag Archives: zoso

Year in review: Part the second.

Onwards then with our little sojourn on memory lane. The second (and final, I promise) look at the various search terms that we’ve found amusing over the vast rolling plain of time that is the ten months that this blog has been running. So pull-up a fire, throw another log on the comfy chair and snuggle down in your favourite cake as you nibble on a festive jumper, and we will continue our reminiscences:

“how many times can you shapeshift into a cat (if your into those types of things)?”

Zoso: Seven. If you’re not into those types of things, eight hundred and six.

Melmoth: I can only assume that ‘shapeshift’ is someone’s very strange attempt at a euphemism. In which case, generally the cat will shred your testicles when it’s had enough.

“phoenix gate what do you do with the flag”

Melmoth: Run with it! You run, and you run, and run and run and run and run, and you keeping running and running until you get to Mourkain Temple. Then you drop the flag and get on with playing a decent scenario.

“warhammer online magus floating disc removal”

Melmoth: Sorry, you can’t remove it, you’re stuck with it. Negotiating latrines is left as an exercise for the reader.

Zoso: So, Mr Magus, you’d removed all your clothes in order to secure these “achievements”, and then you just happened to “slip” and “fall” on your disc? No, no, we’re not here to judge, the doctor will be down shortly.

“are we individuals?”

Melmoth: Yes! We are all individuals! I’m an individual and so is my wife.

Zoso: A: We are Devo!

“male female warhammer bug”

Melmoth: Mythic have confirmed that there will be male and female sexes when they release the new insect race, but nobody will be able to tell which is which, not even the bugs themselves.

“smiling how long can we do it.”

Melmoth: Four hundred years! Or two days. Or ten weeks! Or an hour. The Guinness World record for continuous smiling is seventeen days, eleven hours and twenty three minutes, and was only halted when the challenger’s face fell off.

“updated wii from dvd on accident”

Melmoth: I probably couldn’t help you even if I knew what the hell you’d managed to do.

“you must be this high “world of warcraft””

Melmoth: There are no known height restrictions for playing World of Warcraft. However, there is as yet no conclusive study as to how much crack cocaine needs to be consumed before a person can stomach the incessant end-game grind.

“asses are made to bear and so are you (what does it mean?)”

Melmoth: It means that I like pretentious post titles.

“disguise tips”

Melmoth: I always veer towards a Brian Blessed beard, glasses, deerstalker and an over-sized trench coat with a pillow stuffed down the front.

Zoso: I shapeshift into a cat (if I’m into that type of thing).

“i break things by accident”

Melmoth: Congratulations, you are clumsy! Had you instead told us that you break things on purpose, you would be a vandal. Thank you for taking the ‘Am I A Vandal Or Simply Clumsy?’ online personality test.

“i love her”

Melmoth: That’s… that’s not so much a search term, but a statement of fact. If you’re hoping Google will confirm that for you, well, maybe you need to search for “I need expert medical help” next.

Zoso: Google understands. Google says “there, there”, and would put a comforting arm around your shoulder, only Google is afraid it has no arms.

Melmoth: Also, Google knows that you don’t like friends to touch you.

“wii fit waste of money”

Melmoth: Again, are you asking or telling? Because Google really doesn’t give a flying frogspawn what you think. You do know this, yes?

Zoso: Google disagrees, Google rather enjoyed it. Google reduced its BMI by 2.47 through rigorous yoga.

“guild banks are rubbish in world of warcraft”

Zoso: Google thanks you for the information. Google will avoid using them, then.

“im stuck on act 1 at 27% in far cry 2”

Zoso: Google is sorry to hear that. Google suggests you Google for a walkthrough.

“great adventures i’ve had”

Melmoth: I certainly wish you good luck in finding the website that tells you all the great adventures that you had, I’m sure it’s out there somewhere.

Zoso: Previous searches possibly included “who am I?”, “where am I?” and “have you seen my trousers?”

“grats thanks”

Melmoth: You’re welcome.

“i love to accept my reward”

Melmoth: As the winner of Best Kiasa Search Term 2008, I award you the prestigious Frightened Rabid Skunk with Diarrhoea.

Zoso: “Learn”, I think you’ll find. Unless it isn’t a mondegreen, in which case Google agrees, Google loves to accept its reward too.

“killed over guitar hero”

Melmoth: I’m pretty sure we didn’t make a post about our last Guitar Hero get together, did we? That Google search engine is really very clever.

“who leaves strictly come dancing 29th november 2008”

Melmoth: My money is on Clement Attlee.

“to make a flaming torch”

Melmoth: Take one torch; here’s one I made earlier. Now – and this is the tricky part – set fire to it.

“survivors bonekickers”

Melmoth: Are both utterly rubbish and an embarrassment to the nation. I suggest trying Dead Set or IT Crowd to correct the balance.

Zoso: Survivors isn’t that bad. Apart from the writers inexplicable failure to kill Abby Grant despite so many opportunities.

“space chimps review kermode”

Zoso: They said “he gives all bitter, middle-aged film critics a bad name”. But they quite liked his stuff with The Dodge Brothers.

Melmoth: Space chimps would make the best reviewers, not least because anything they didn’t like could be vaporised by their orbital review station.

“low level bright wizard cape”

Melmoth: The year’s must have fashion item for the discerning Black Orc was indeed a noob Bright Wizard dangling down their back.

“melmoth”

Melmoth: Wait! This is the Best Kiasa Search Term 2008, give me back that Frightened Rabid Skunk with Diarrhoea, you.

Year in review: Part the first.

December; Christmas fast approaches, and a young man’s mind turns to stockings, roasting nuts and steaming slabs of meat being shoved into eager waiting mouths.

It may well be a time to feast and make merry but it is, unfortunately, not traditionally a time to sit quietly in peace, and blog about games that you haven’t been playing because you’ve been out shopping for the hundredth time trying to find the right colour socks for old uncle Bodger.

So apologies for the lack of updates this month, normal service will hopefully resume in the new year.

In the meantime, we’ve decided to do what every entertainment medium does around Christmas: harp on about the past year, and run repeats.

So without further ado, we’ve been through the logs for kiasa.org for the past (most of a) year and picked out our favourite search terms that have led to the site, the first batch of which follow for your reading delectation:

“all the thing druids can turn into”

Melmoth: So many druids in so many games, but the druid I know – the World of Warcraft one – can turn into a bear, a cat, a different cat, a freaky looking seal, a bird, and potentially an owlkin or a tree. Despite popular belief, they do not, however, turn in to articulated lorries, ambulances or Volkswagen Beetles, and hence telling a druid to “transform and roll out” will normally earn you a sharp claw to the gluteus maximus.

Zoso: When is a Druid not a Druid? When it turns into a side street! Wait, I think I told it wrong…

“discovery channel shapeshifters”

Melmoth: To the best of my knowledge there are no creatures who can transform themselves into the discovery channel.

“far cry 2 can you get killed by hippos”

Melmoth: Definitely. Watch out for their snipers, hippos are notorious fat lazy campers.

“friend not wanting me to touch them”

Melmoth: Are you hoping that we can perhaps give you advice on how to touch your friend without their knowing it? Or advice on how to persuade them to let you touch them, maybe? Have you tried washing your hands? Have you tried not touching yourself first?

“gaming peed himself”

Zoso: Surely lesson number one of end game raiding is the empty coke bottle, no?

Melmoth: I like the way they changed ‘myself’ to ‘himself’ to cover their tracks. “Yeah, it was my buddy. Really. I’m just searching on the Internet for anti-pee advice because I’m a concerned friend”. Uh huh.

“great adventure in getting killed”

Melmoth: Yes, that can certainly be the case. We all love great adventure, not so hot on the getting killed part, though.

“guitar hero aerosmith guitar limited edition bundle ps2”

Melmoth: But does it have a guitar?

“ironbreaker helmet and hair”

Melmoth: Helmet hair is a nightmare for Ironbreakers, I can only recommend a very good hair gel, or a short-crop hairstyle.

“scariest nutters in england”

Melmoth: Google’s search engine is really quite eerily accurate.

Zoso: I don’t know about “scariest”, though, I mean there’s Nutter “Scary” Bates, Scariest Nutter (East Sussex Regional Winner 1986 – 2004) for a start. And Geoffrey Howe.

“dwarf ironbreaker good levelers?”

Zoso: I’m afraid not, no, they really don’t have a strong position on suffrage or religious toleration.

“wimplebottom”

Melmoth: A wimple is worn on the head at all times. It is only worn around the bottom at certain exclusive gentlemen’s clubs in London.

“world of warcraft accidents”

Melmoth: I think this is just ‘gaming peed himself’ trying a different tack.

“zoso wizard”

Melmoth: Yes he is. He’s also a member of a wandering troupe of chartered surveyors, a former Ravenmaster and the current Easter Bunny.

“catherine tate illuminati”

Melmoth: The Catherine Tate Illuminati are a highly overrated and publicly over exposed sub-branch of the Illuminati.

Zoso: I don’t believe they’re bovvered, though.

“dungeons and dragons item straight jacket”

Zoso: I think he means straitjacket. Unless 4e has really expanded item classifications to include sexuality.

Melmoth: Generally worn by any dungeon master who has tried to run a game with Zoso and myself as player characters.

“free online man and woman dating”

Zoso: You’ll be wanting the bi jacket.

Have I Got MMOnews For You

Host: And the final round is “Continue the Headline”. This week, teams, it’s from old Aunty: Ninety per cent of the young people who seek treatment for compulsive computer gaming are not addicted. So says Keith Bakker the founder and head of Europe’s first and only clinic to treat gaming addicts… “

Zoso: “…who was speaking to us from the depths of Naxxramas via his level 80 warlock accompanied by 24 non-addicted players, who had undergone the rigorous testing process whereby their physiological reactions were measured as they were set a number of tasks, such as farming primals, sending crafting materials to the testing team, running five mans until he was fully kitted out, and… HEAL ME, FFS!”

Melmoth: “However, doctors at the clinic are still at a loss to explain the phenomenon that every member of the ninety per cent group of visitors, upon leaving the clinic, came straight back in, re-paid the examination fee and tried again.”

Host: Goodnight!

Studio lights dim, theme tune plays.

Have I Got MMOnews For You

Host: And the final round is “Continue the Headline”. This week, teams, it’s from Aunty: “Scott Hamshere, from Bromley, should have been the first person in the UK with a copy of the game. He had started queuing at 6am and was the first in line. However, as the barriers were lifted, it was all too much, and he collapsed from exhaustion…”

Zoso: “…When interviewed, Mr Hamshere said “Wizard needs food badly!”.”

Melmoth: “…Mr Hamshere lay in the street for half an hour before the other queuers realised that he wasn’t in fact a Hunter feigning death.”

Zoso: “…The thirty nine people behind him were grateful for him taking Arthas’ alpha strike.”

Melmoth: “…Paramedics attributed the exhaustion to the fact that Mr Hamshere had been bouncing up and down on the spot and spinning around through three hundred and sixty degrees for four hours straight whilst shouting “LOOOOOL”.”

Zoso: “…Initial fears of a real world outbreak of the Corrupted Blood plague proved unfounded, and fortunately vital NPCs such as the HMV vendors and taxi masters were unaffected.”

Host: Goodnight!

Studio lights dim, theme tune plays.

Post Bag, issue 1.

Melmoth:   Hello.

Zoso:   Certainly. Welcome to our new feature, ‘Post Bag’, where we share some of the letters that have been sent in by our beloved readers.

Melmoth:   Beloved.

Zoso:   You know, we’ve had the most marvellous response to our first reader topic, namely (meh!) Name Quest.

Melmoth:   Perspicuous persiflage.

Zoso:   Bless you.

Melmoth:   That’s right. We know that a lot of you out there have witnessed players on MMO role-playing servers who have ridiculous non-canon names, and yet nobody seems to discuss this vital issue on any of the MMO forums that we’ve visited.

Zoso:   How ever-so-slightly beige. So we asked you to write in and tell us about them.

Melmoth:   And what crackers you’ve told us about!

Zoso:   “There is a character on our server whose name is Milton Sloluck. It is an abomination of a name and I’ve petitioned it on several occasions to no avail!” That was sent in from a Gerald Suckmaster Burstingfoam of the Karag-Foon server.

Melmoth:   I’m rather fond of this one: “Dear Killed in a Smiling Accident, I was recently in a group with a Paladin called Polydore Smith and our guild master is named Munwele. I really think some people should not join an RP server if they aren’t going to take it seriously, Yours etc. Jamrammer Felchfreely.”

Zoso:   Five pounds on its way to you for that one Mr Felchfreely. Or how about this one “Dear Killed in a Smiling Accident, My first MMO cybersex partner was called Geoff Hart. I still split my sides whenever I hear that name, but it wasn’t terribly appropriate in a dedicated role-playing community such as ours. Yours faithfully Pippinhole Spakfarter-Knobwrench.”

Melmoth:   Could it get any more outrageous than ‘Geoff Hart’? “Can you please warn your readers about the fool on the Funtweedle server who goes by the distressing name of Marley Wottel. It destroys my immersion every time I see this person run past, and I am forced to log out and listen to my Evanescence records for several hours to regain my composure. Yours gropingly, Flangibald von Smegsock.” Scandalous!

Zoso:   Creamery. Here’s another one. “I really hate it when people use real-world references in their character names. Just the other day I saw a Barrak Orbaum, which sounds very much like Barack Obama. Yours insincerely, OptimusPrimeSkywalkerRedsox249.”

Melmoth:   Tremendous response all around. Many thanks to all of you who wrote in.

Zoso:   We’ll be sure to delve into the post bag again soon!

Melmoth:   Delve.

This post is brought to you by the letters F & L.

World of Warcraft’s Preliminary Achievements List.

World of Warcraft’s achievements system will launch with more than 500 individual achievements covering every aspect of game-play, and our man on the inside at Blizzard has given us a few of the more common achievement titles and their respective achievements to be found when Wrath of the Lich King launches:

  • Glider: Have epic shoulders that are more than twice your characters height in width.
  • Opportunist: Steal at least five guild banks within a month.
  • Man Eater: Obtain a flying mount by cybering with male guild members.
  • True Man Eater: Obtain a flying mount by cybering with male guild members. (Female players only)
  • Mercenary: Join at least ten raiding guilds within a week with the same character.
  • Triumph of Hope over Experience: Join at least fifty PUGs.
  • Outraged: Use the phrase “slap in the face” in at least one hundred forum posts.
  • Overcompensator: Have an epic weapon that’s more than twice your character’s height in length.
  • Irony Champion: Shout three hundred times in the general channel for spammers to stop flooding the general channel.
  • Abasement: Maintain a seven-days-a-week raid schedule for at least four months.
  • Ridickeweluss: Attempt to use the word ‘ridiculous’ in a forum post and fail miserably.
  • Cavernous Cakehole: Type two thousand words in ALL CAPS.
  • Milliner: Possess at least 15 hats.
  • Drama Tank: Quit and rejoin the same guild at least five times.
  • All Dressed Up and Nowhere To Go: Join at least ten PUGs that stand outside of an instance for half an hour waiting for a tank or healer, then disband.
  • Nemesis of Originality: Create four characters with names that are rubbish variations on Legolas.
  • Validated: Link fifty items in guild chat in one play session.
  • Dust Collector: Spend two hundred hours posing outside the auction house or bank.
  • Lust Collector: Spend two hundred hours as a naked dancing female night elf outside the auction house or bank.
  • Wganker the G is Silent: Gank one hundred players that are at least half your character’s level.
  • The Cycle Continues: Get ganked fifty times in Stranglethorn Value by a level 70, then return at level 70 and gank at least fifty players.
  • Sun Tzu of the Battlegrounds: Shout eighty helpful commands in battlegrounds like “HEAL!” and “OMG U NOOBS!!!”
  • You Don’t Want To Do That: Instruct at least three classes that you have never played how to perform their role, and what their spec should be.
  • Horse’s Ass: Sit with your big, fat, show-off mount in such a way as to prevent other players from accessing an NPC for thirty hours.
  • Bedhopper: Co-habit with three different guild members in real life.
  • Guildhopper: Co-habit with three members of different guilds in real life.
  • Mormon: Co-habit with three different guild members simultaneously in real life.
  • The Greatest Person in the World Ever: Win at least one arbitrary race against a level one character whilst on your epic mount, or one duel against a level one character whilst wearing your complete set of Tier 7.
  • Practising for Real Life: Spend three days begging for gold in a capital city.
  • Always Doing Doughnuts: Never remain stationary for more than one second before jumping/running around in circles again.
  • Moustache: Loot twenty quest objectives/gathering nodes from under the nose of a person who’s just pulled a mob away from them.
  • Full House of Originality: Have characters named after an individual from Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, Dragonlance, The Belgariad and the Chronicles of Narnia.
  • Blizzard’s Bitch: Achieve more than one hundred achievements the day Wrath of the Lich King is launched on all five of your level seventy characters.
  • Sarcastic Blogger: Make up at least twenty five vaguely insulting achievements.

Tag! You’re it.

Earlier in the week Rock, Paper, Shotgun pointed out an Audiosurf update, and I’ve really got back into that over the last few days. I’m now the undisputed MASTER of many songs, thanks to a cunning two-pronged attack of obscurity (nobody else seems to be playing Bad News’ Masturbike or Sizzla’s cover of Subterranean Homesick Blues) and incorrect tagging. Not in a deliberately cheating “tag a high-scoring song as something else” way, just having an MP3 collection spanning many years of using many different rippers with differing ideas about punctuation, character limits and how to tag compilations, so there may be fierce competition on the leader board of “Lily, Rosemary and the Jack of Hearts”, but I’m out there on my own for “Lily, Rosemary and the Jack o”, and I suspect my high score for “Oliver s Army” wouldn’t fare so well against those of “Oliver’s Army”…

A Week in the Life of an MMO Addict: Thursday

Thursday, 0030 hours
Meh. That’s the game uninstalled, worthless pile of junk. Might as well go to bed.

0730 hours
Maybe I should reinstall it and… no. No, I’m never touching it again.

1330 hours
Man, Thursday afternoon off, and nothing to do. Shame that game sucks so badly. I’ll just go around all the MMO forums and tell everyone how terrible it is. Let’s see… “All you suckers ought to start playing this game it is totally amazing!”? Hah, what an idiot. Must be one of the devs under a false name, or a paid shill. I’ll set him right… “Of course if you actually have a life, as I do (with my job that pays so fabulously well I have had to turn down numerous offers to be lead designer of major MMOs and my supermodel wife, my Ferrari doesn’t drive itself you know), you will find yourself at the mercy of sad cases who can afford to play the game all day.”

1410 hours
That’s the MMO forums sorted out, wonder what other people are saying… blah blah blah, brilliant, blah blah blah, rubbish, blah blah blah, people should check This Other Game out instead, it will totally kick That Game’s ass. Hmm. Might as well have a quick look at the website…

1430 hours
OMG look at that concept art OMG it is AMAZING OMG this other game is going to be AMAZING OMG I am totally posting in my blog about it.

1517 hours
OMG look at this dev chat transcript OMG they totally *nail* everything that is wrong with MMOs at the moment at they are totally going to fix and and totally make this other game AMAZING OMG I am totally posting it in my blog.

1849 hours
OMG I just spent hours reading all these community pages and forums and it is totally amazing there are some amazing LOLFUNNY webcomics about this other game and the community is really great and there is amazing fan art and this other game is totally going to be the biggest thing ever in eighteen months time (or maybe two years or a bit longer).

1931 hours
Dammit what kind of idiots do they employ at games shops, I need to reserve a pre-order for this other game and a special edition pre-order and a pre-special pre-edition post-order pre-deluxe box set and they have not even heard of it, I’d better try every other games shop within a thirty mile radius.

2117 hours
“… I know it’s long past closing time, but this is urgent, I tell you. I need the special deluxe collector’s metal tin ultra edition of this other game, and the one that comes with the mecha-penguin pet, not the one that comes with the zombie-wombat, ‘cos the penguin totally has better stats and… yes, I know you’re a wholesale pet food supplier, but I’ve tried every other shop in… ” huh. Line’s gone dead again. I think my phone might be faulty, I should check with the telecom company. Hey, and they might have the pre-order pack with the mecha-penguin…

2240 hours
No luck with reserving the game, never mind, I’ll get back to hyper-analysis of every developer chat or status update. I’ll feed them all into a database and then by running word count analysis and similar I’ll be able to detect which classes they subconsciously favour so I can play them.

2330 hours
OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG they’ve announced a pre-pre-pre-pre-pre-alpha pre-stress pre-test of this other game!1!!1!!! The developer says “Please note, this is simply a wide-scale test of some of our networking tech to monitor world-wide performance, and simply consists of a screen that says ‘HELLO SHAUN’ while the program communicates with our servers.” OMG OMG OMG it’s going to be AMAZING OMG I hope I can take part I’m going off to their site now oh man it’s a bit busy with everyone trying to get in *refresh* come on *refresh* *refresh* come on *refresh* *refresh* *refresh* *refresh”

2359 hours
OMG FilePlanet are distributing the client, and you just need to be a SuperHyperUltraMega Subscriber to get it, only fifty bucks a month and a minimum twelve month contract, totally worth it, DOWNLOADING CLIENT NOW, THIS OTHER GAME HERE I COME!

A Week in the Life of an MMO Addict: Wednesday

Wednesday, 0100 hours
Aww, the awesome war-group is breaking up. That was amazing, though, we really took it to the enemy kingdoms. I’m going to post all about it on my blog.

0124 hours
“… and then I was all, like, “SLICE”, and my buddy was all, like, “FIREBALL”, and the enemy were all, like, “oh no way oh man we have no chance you guys are so awesome” and we were all, like, “yeah” and we totally captured the outpost and it was awesome.” Click, post to blog. I’ll just upload this video capture and these screenshots to go with it, there we go.

0130 hours
Just time for a couple of quick posts on some MMO Forums. “All you suckers ought to start playing this game it is totally amazing!”, link to my blog. “HAW HAW World of Carebears check this awesomeness out”, link to my blog.

0735 hours
Just check the blog comments… tsk, that’s so childish. Leaving insulting messages like that, typical of jealous players in other games. Good job I’m mature in my response; edit all their comments so they say “I SMELL”, there we go.

1230 hours
I’ll just pop out to an internet cafe, see how the blog’s doing. Let’s see… usual rubbish, “you outnumbered the opposition”, “you were all level 50 and they weren’t”, “most of the people you killed were AFK”, blah blah, they just don’t recognise true skill. Oh, here we go! “Wow awesome post u should check my site out”, there’s someone who appreciates the finer points of masterful PvP, I’ll definitely look at his site… what a nice man, he’s selling genuine Rowlexe watches at bargain prices, a connoisseur and an altruist.

1732 hours
I can’t wait to get back to that PvP zone, we’re going to crush that enemy Kingdom again! They have no chance, make their time!

1734 hours
Hmm. This outpost is slightly more on-fire than I remember. Sneak attack by the enemy, obviously, best be on guard. Ah hah, there’s one over there, Aragonne, I’ll teach him a lesson, CHARGE! My weapon hit, but… to no effect? And now I can’t move! HAX! Incoming lightning bolt, ARGH!

1735 hours
What the hell gear is he wearing? /inspect… Some purple rare items, some yellow epic items, the pauldrons are an odd shade of puce which makes them mythical quality… he isn’t even carrying anything in his hands. No, wait, there’s an asterisk there, *mouseover*… “To see the item in this slot, please don the special glasses provided in the box that render the colour wavelength of fandabeedozee quality items visible to the human eye.”

1736 hours
/whisper Aragonne “Where did u get that lewt???/?”
Aragonne whispers: “lol while u were killing noobs we were running the temple of krzzzkrzzzyn raid to get phat lewt lol noob”

1822 hours
Argh, corpse camped all the way out of the zone. Man, this sucks. Back to the capital, better get a party together for that temple raid.

1843 hours
All right, here we go, some of last night’s posse are up for raiding the Temple of Krzzzkrzzzyn. We just need to capture the Temple Gates from the enemy Kingdom first. Fire up Teamspeak, we might need the co-ordination, NOW TO BATTLE, MY COMRADES, THE FIGHT SHALL BE GLORIOUS!

2015 hours
“Oh yeah, we’re weakening them, they may be decked out in uber gear from raiding but we have the numbers”
“That’s it, isolate the knight, everyone on the wizard”
“Soon the gates will be ours!”
“Err… guys… look to the east”
“Oh my… how many are there?”
“Looks like just about everyone we killed last night. And their friends. And they don’t look too happy…”

2112 hours
“… watch out, Strrydur, wizard at three o’clock starting to cast…”
“… no good, I’m ensnared, can’t move in to…”
“… THEY’RE ALL OVER ME, GET THEM OFF, GET THEM…”
“… got him, starting to cast, ARGH! Stealther interrupted the spell…”
“… they’re controlling Streyedoor, keep away from him…”
“… no good, I’m done for, save yourselves…”

2220 hours
“COME ON U NOOBS we can still do this”
“who are u calling noob, noob, u r a noob”
“no wai, noob, u r teh noob”
“yeh well at least i have fifty kills noob u have four”
“cuz u r a killstealer ur tictacs suck LERN 2 PLEY”
“my tictacs are gr8 but ur build totally sucks for pvp carebear”
“STFU u 2 noobs u both suck”
“no u stfu”
“no u stfu”
“no u stfu”

2225 hours
Well, the battlegroup broke up. That sucked. I’m going to go back to the general PvP zone to gank me some noobs.

2247 hours
Huh. They keep banding together now, or using other cheats and exploits like calling in higher level friends. That sucks.

2330 hours
“… in conclusion, it is reeeddikkyoouwwlessss. This game is rubbish. This is the worst game ever released. The devs are all idiots. Drunk monkeys could have made a better game by banging keyboards with bananas. Every decision they made is totally wrong. The entire design of the game sucks all the possible fun out of anything. It was obviously rushed and not tested properly. It is totally unfair because other people play more and have better stuff and there are more of them and they can kill me even though I am brilliant at PvP and it is totally unfair. I am unsubscribing from this game right now, and never buying anything from the company again ever.” Post to forum, click. Post to blog, click.

A Week in the Life of an MMO Addict: Tuesday

Tuesday, 0017 hours
Soon, yes, so very soon, I shall be a fearsome level 50, the apogee of the game, a mighty and awesome achievement. I should prepare a speech or something. Let’s see… “One small kill for man, one giant level for mankind”… nah… maybe some Churchill. “Can I save money on my car insurance, oh yes, yes, yes.” Hang on, wrong Churchill. “This is not the end. It is not even the end of the beginning. But it is, perhaps, the beginning of the endgame.” That’s it. I’ll broadcast that in General, very stirring.

0029 hours
Last kill, here we go, broadcast: DING FIFTY WOOYAY LOL I AM TEH WINNAH!

0030 hours
OK, not quite the statesmanlike effect I was after. Not to worry. Now, back to the PvP zone!

0047 hours
Let’s see, who do we have here… Arragawn, level 27. I’m not even going to pause to report him for name violation, swoop in and SMITE! Bwahahahaha, one shot kill, I’m the daddy! Arrowgone, level 23, MAIM! Aragun, level 34, SLICE! Hrm. Still alive? DICE! That’s better, a triumph. Huge success. Oh yeah, I’m serving up the Typhoo now!

0134 hours
/tell Arugon: That’s open world PvP, you should have known what you were letting yourself in for. I’ve always said that what sets this game apart is the excellent implementation of open PvP, if you can’t take it maybe you should head back to World of Carebear.
Ahahahahaha, BURN! Ooh, I’m on fire.

0145
Dammit, I suppose I ought to go to bed. I’m on a final warning for turning up late to work. And a final warning for falling asleep at work.

0740 hours
Just five minutes, I can log in for five minutes over breakfast while I eat Sugar Puffs straight from the box…

0755 hours
Dammit, dammit, never mind, I’ll just get going and finish getting dressed on the way.

0807 hours
I don’t know why people keep sounding their horns, it’s like they’ve never seen anyone putting on a pair of trousers while driving.

1120 hours
… and then by using a shield, I could take the points from two-handed specialisation, and put them into deepening the casting pool instead… what? Yes boss, absolutely, just running off the copies now.

1554 hours
… altogether, that comes to seventeen gold pieces, please. Pounds! I meant pounds, seventeen pounds, please.

1629 hours
… 56, 57, 58, 59, HALF PAST FOUR, I’m out of here, GOGOGOGO, out of my way people!

1722 hours
GRAGH! TRAFFIC JAMS! Deep breaths, deep breaths, remember what the analyst said after that road rage incident with the foam LARPing sword… Put on the CD of the in-game music, visualise the setting. I am a calm, relaxed elf, strolling through the forests of Nrjohal. I am a calm, relaxed elf COME ON, YOU COULD GET A BUS THROUGH THAT GAP, MOVE IT forests of Nrjohal.

1750 hours
Ah, back in game finally. Who’s next to challenge my fearsome PvP skillz, then? Ariggon, level 30, SMASH! Awragan, level 28, FREEM! Arrowgun, Ranger Warmonk, level 42 (feel that slap bass), SLASH! HACK! POKE! Hang on, he’s fighting back, is that allowed? BASH! SWEEP! USE THAT FUNNY LOOKING THING FOR REMOVING STONES FROM HORSES HOOVES! He’s got me down to 75% health, t’ch. SMITE! BEAT! PUMMELL! Got him, that took ages, though.

1755 hours
“… in conclusion, Ranger Warmonks are reeduckyewlessly overpowered and must be nerfed at once so I can always one-shot kill them.” Click, post to forum.

2030 hours
Hmm, an invite to join a war-group from our Kingdom. Might as well hook up with them, see what it’s like.

2355 hours
Oh, man, this is amazing, we’re dominating the battlefield! Crushing all opponents, capturing outposts, laying waste to any who dare oppose us! This is the best game ever released, I’m totally playing this game forever. If only they had a lifetime subscription option, there’s no way I’m ever going to move to anything else, this is totally awesome, it’s got the depth, the graphics, it’s amazing. The devs are my favourite people ever, I think I’ll get some photos of them as posters. Maybe I could get enough to wallpaper the whole front room. I’m going to name my kids after them. Least, I will if I ever have kids.