Host: This week, teams, news that videogames can make you more successful in your career. “‘We’re finding that the younger people coming into the teams who have had experience playing online games are the highest-level performers because they are constantly motivated to seek out the next challenge and grab on to performance metrics,’ says John Hagel III, co-chairman of a tech-oriented strategy center for Deloitte. Elliot Noss, chief executive of domain name provider Tucows, spends six to seven hours a week playing online games and believes World of Warcraft trains him to become a better leader.”

Melmoth: “Some orientation is required when they transfer into corporate life, however” said Mr Hagel III, “before which we find it’s best to avoid telling them that five high level bosses reside on the top floor of the corporate tower. Forty young graduates throwing paper darts at the CEO while trying to steal the contents of his briefcase can cause unwanted flak for the HR department.”

Zoso: “Well, they’re motivated for the first couple of months, at least;” said John Hagel III, “after which they generally start complaining about the grind, then turn up in other departments claiming they’re alts, before heading back to WoW. We call them Job Tourists.”

Melmoth: “Elliot Noss, chief executive of domain name provider Tucows, spends six to seven hours a week playing online games and believes World of Warcraft trains him to become a better leader” he told our reporter, while simultaneously screaming “Minus Fifty Domain Name Points!” down the phone at one of his minions, followed by a stream of expletives, then throwing the phone across his office and rage-deleting several major DNS blocks.”

Zoso:“… and his salary scheme has drawn heavy criticism from 24 of his 25 employees; the other one, who won the ‘Need’ roll for that month’s payroll, believes it to be an excellent system.”

Melmoth:“Working for Noss is a strange experience” said a hypothetical Tucows employee, “frankly there’s a lot less server maintenance in my job than I imagined, and far more hunting boars for their spleens”.

Host: Goodnight!

Studio lights dim, theme tune plays.

Host: And the final round is “Continue the Headline”. This week, teams, it’s news that “Yesterday Eurogamer MMO published a review of Darkfall Online, scoring the game 2/10. Several hours later, after a bit of email discussion, Aventurine responded on its forum, claiming the review was factually inaccurate and the reviewer had played the game for only two hours.”

Zoso: “Eurogamer defended the two hours its reviewer had spent in the game by pointing out that, by Einstein’s theory of relativity, it had *seemed* like three months.”

Melmoth: “Several Darkfall subscribers have vowed to sit around for as long as it takes to macro their writing skills to the point where they are able to compose a really very stern letter indeed to the Eurogamer editors.”

Zoso: “Darkfall continues to expand its innovative play styles, the existing Player vs Player and Players vs Blog Author models now joined by Players vs Games Site.”

Melmoth: “A Eurogamer spokesperson was quick to point out the irony of a bunch of hardcore PvPers complaining about someone teabagging their game through a completely one-sided and blatantly unfair encounter.”

Host: Goodnight!

Studio lights dim, theme tune plays.

Host: And the final round is “Continue the Headline”. This week, teams, it’s news that MMO developer MindArk has been granted preliminary approval for a real banking license: “MindArk is going to be just like a bank in the real world: it will be backed by Sweden’s $60,000 deposit insurance, offer interest-bearing accounts for its clients, feature direct deposit options, let players pay bills online, and apparently will offer loans to customers.”

Zoso: “… reports of a £600,000 per year pension scheme for top raiding guild leaders have yet to be confirmed.”

Melmoth: “… after years of playing with virtually real money in the real world, stockbrokers across the globe are now looking forward to being able to play with really virtually real virtual real money in real virtual worlds.”

Zoso: “… fears that MindArk could be susceptible to toxic mortgages were allayed when they revealed that they had Sonic Corruptors standing by ready to boost toxic resistance.”

Melmoth: “… In other news, a suspected category 6 earthquake in central Europe turned out to be a false alarm; investigations into the disturbance showed it to be the collective orgasm of EVE Online’s recent POS exploiters as they all simultaneously signed up for MindArk’s flagship title Entropia Universe.”

Host: Goodnight!

Studio lights dim, theme tune plays.

Host: And the final round is “Continue the Headline”. This week, teams, it’s from old Aunty: Ninety per cent of the young people who seek treatment for compulsive computer gaming are not addicted. So says Keith Bakker the founder and head of Europe’s first and only clinic to treat gaming addicts… “

Zoso: “…who was speaking to us from the depths of Naxxramas via his level 80 warlock accompanied by 24 non-addicted players, who had undergone the rigorous testing process whereby their physiological reactions were measured as they were set a number of tasks, such as farming primals, sending crafting materials to the testing team, running five mans until he was fully kitted out, and… HEAL ME, FFS!”

Melmoth: “However, doctors at the clinic are still at a loss to explain the phenomenon that every member of the ninety per cent group of visitors, upon leaving the clinic, came straight back in, re-paid the examination fee and tried again.”

Host: Goodnight!

Studio lights dim, theme tune plays.

Host: And the final round is “Continue the Headline”. This week, teams, it’s from Aunty: “Scott Hamshere, from Bromley, should have been the first person in the UK with a copy of the game. He had started queuing at 6am and was the first in line. However, as the barriers were lifted, it was all too much, and he collapsed from exhaustion…”

Zoso: “…When interviewed, Mr Hamshere said “Wizard needs food badly!”.”

Melmoth: “…Mr Hamshere lay in the street for half an hour before the other queuers realised that he wasn’t in fact a Hunter feigning death.”

Zoso: “…The thirty nine people behind him were grateful for him taking Arthas’ alpha strike.”

Melmoth: “…Paramedics attributed the exhaustion to the fact that Mr Hamshere had been bouncing up and down on the spot and spinning around through three hundred and sixty degrees for four hours straight whilst shouting “LOOOOOL”.”

Zoso: “…Initial fears of a real world outbreak of the Corrupted Blood plague proved unfounded, and fortunately vital NPCs such as the HMV vendors and taxi masters were unaffected.”

Host: Goodnight!

Studio lights dim, theme tune plays.