Killed in a Smiling Accident.

Host: This week, teams, science news from Slashdot who point out a research paper from Dr Johnson on “Human group formation in online guilds and offline gangs driven by a common team dynamic”, which suggests “a common team-based model can accurately reproduce the quantitative features” of both “potentially dangerous street gangs populated mostly by disaffected male youths” and “the massive global guilds in online role-playing games”

Zoso: We put this to the leader of the popular guild Knights of the New Phoenix Dawn, who replied “Clearly this so-called paper is a nonsense, and at best the mathematical model in question must be so generalised as to apply to almost any grouping of individuals, suggesting the online guild component is simply a ruse to justify claiming an MMORPG subscription as an expense. The Knights of the New Phoenix Dawn bear no resemblance in any way, shape or form to a street gang, and I’ll pop a cap in the ass of anyone who says otherwise. Word. Noun. Adverb.”

Melmoth: Mr Juan “Cougar Hob-nobba” Perez, leader of the Whipped Gat Slingas gang of Harlem, Manhattan, speaking between gunshots from behind his sofa had this to say on the research “What the dilly yo, noobs? I told you to purge the disease on those bitch skank hoes before letting them aggro more adds, now the boss is enraged and we ain’t got enough benjamins for the repairs. You shiznits hate playing, huh? You playa hatas? Day-amn.”

PJ: As the initial list of quantitative features included fickle loyalties based on short-term goals, artificially poor language skills to create to a specialist vocabulary, and an attraction to new objects with a constant discarding of the old, the first draft of the research paper was quickly withdrawn when it was realised the model also applied to LOLCATS.

Zoso: Dr Johnson, pressed for a quote, said “’tis a most obvious thing that URCHINS and NE’ERDOWELLS change not in nature whether ‘pon street-corner or MAGICK BOX of MISTER BABBAGE”, though it was later pointed out the author of the paper was Dr Neil Johnson, not Samuel.

Melmoth: Reports that World of Warcraft’s next expansion will be titled ‘Hatin’ of da Bling King.‘ are currently unfounded.

Host: Goodnight!

Studio lights dim, theme tune plays.

Host:This week, teams, it seems that a music executive was arrested in Canada for failing to Tweet. In a crowd-control disaster second only to that time you got a really good Mass Sleep off to recover from a terribly over-pull and some bozo woke everything up with a Rain of Fire, vice president of Def Jam records James Roppo was arrested after police alleged he hadn’t been co-operative enough in helping to disperse a horde of teen pop fans.

Zoso:Fearing imprisonment, several companies have pledged to massively increase the amount of in-game Twittering from their products. A spokesperson for ActEA Mythzzard said “With our new auto-tweet system, every mob and NPC is on Twitter, and a pithy 140 character summary of every interaction is instantly broadcast to the world.”

@wolf947 bites @GeoffTheSlayer for 3 points of damage
@GeoffTheSlayer hits @wolf947 for 7 points of damage
@wolf947 i haz died, OH NOES :(
@GeoffTheSlayer loots a two-handed sword from @wolf947
@GeoffTheSlayer isn’t sure where the wolf was keeping it
@KevTheMighty has skinned the wolf and gains 1 wolf pelt
@wolf947 Oh, sure, rub it in why don’t you
@GeoffTheSlayer Oi, @KevTheMighty, that was my kill!
@KevTheMighty Bite me @GeoffTheSlayer LOL
@GeoffTheSlayer is petitioning @KevTheMighty
@StephenFry What a 170 checkout!! #grandslamdarts

Melmoth: In response to the precedent set by this arrest, Twitter reports that all of its users have started to spew endless amounts of random garbled text to the service to avoid being arrested themselves.

So, nothing has changed there.

Host: Goodnight!

Studio lights dim, theme tune plays.

Host:This week, teams, news of an online money-laundering operation. According to The Guardian, a gang are “alleged to have made several songs which they gave to an online US company, which then uploaded them to be sold on iTunes and Amazon. Over five months they bought the songs thousands of times, spending around $750,000 (£468,750) on 1,500 stolen US and UK credit cards”, claiming the royalties as “clean” money

Zoso: Police are also investigating allegations that a gang known as ‘Blizzard’ set up a similar operation, with a rudimentary online game just realistic enough to fool a casual observer, but were quite surprised when millions of actual customers started subscribing in addition to other gang members.

Melmoth: A temporal rift was quickly closed by local enforcement agents after another criminal gang tried to commit fraud by selling game time using game time cards that had been purchased with in-game currency that had been purchased with stolen game time cards that had been purchased with ISK that had been stolen from an illegal duping operation.

Zoso: Police are also investigating allegations that a gang known as ‘Aventurine’ set up a similar operation, with a rudimentary online game just realistic enough to fool a casual observer, but were quite surprised when hundreds of actual customers started subscribing in addition to other gang members.

Melmoth: Didn’t you already do that gag with ‘Blizzard’?

Zoso: Just covering all the bases.

Host: Goodnight!

Studio lights dim, theme tune plays.

Host: And the final round is “Continue the Headline”. This week, teams, it’s news that “Yesterday Eurogamer MMO published a review of Darkfall Online, scoring the game 2/10. Several hours later, after a bit of email discussion, Aventurine responded on its forum, claiming the review was factually inaccurate and the reviewer had played the game for only two hours.”

Zoso: “Eurogamer defended the two hours its reviewer had spent in the game by pointing out that, by Einstein’s theory of relativity, it had *seemed* like three months.”

Melmoth: “Several Darkfall subscribers have vowed to sit around for as long as it takes to macro their writing skills to the point where they are able to compose a really very stern letter indeed to the Eurogamer editors.”

Zoso: “Darkfall continues to expand its innovative play styles, the existing Player vs Player and Players vs Blog Author models now joined by Players vs Games Site.”

Melmoth: “A Eurogamer spokesperson was quick to point out the irony of a bunch of hardcore PvPers complaining about someone teabagging their game through a completely one-sided and blatantly unfair encounter.”

Host: Goodnight!

Studio lights dim, theme tune plays.

Host: And the final round is “Continue the Parliamentary Debate”. This week, teams, we have an Early Day Motion for you from Ed Vaizey, Shadow Minister for Culture. EDM 1097, UK Video Game Industry: “That this House notes the importance of the video games sector to the UK economy; congratulates the winners and nominees at this year’s Bafta Video Games Awards; notes in particular the success of UK developed games, including Media Molecule’s LittleBigPlanet, Codemasters’ Race Driver: GRID and Lionhead Studios’ Fable II, all of which won awards; applauds this recognition of the continued success and significance of video games despite the complete lack of support from Government; regrets the fact that this lack of support from Government has seen the UK fall from being the third largest producer of video games in the world to the fifth largest; and urges the Government to devise a clear and supportive strategy for the UK video games sector as part of the Digital Britain review.

Zoso: “… starting with covering MP’s MMO subscriptions under expenses (but not looking too closely into the precise breakdown of purchases in Second Life)”

Melmoth: The Prime Minister vetoed the motion, claiming that everyone knew that Shadow Ministers were a stupidly overpowered flavour of the month member of parliament.

Zoso: The games industry was described as “disappointed” that the motion had garnered six times fewer signatures than EDM1159, Railway Enthusiasts and Photography, but looked forward to rallying behind EDM1211, National Cask Ale Week.

Melmoth: A transcript of the debate follows: “Very important. Right, the House moves that we now adjourn for the day and get back to raiding Ogrimmar”.

Zoso: Altdorf, surely? I have the House down as more Destruction types.

Host: Goodnight!

Studio lights dim, theme tune plays.

Host: And the final round is “Continue the Headline”. This week, teams, it’s news that MMO developer MindArk has been granted preliminary approval for a real banking license: “MindArk is going to be just like a bank in the real world: it will be backed by Sweden’s $60,000 deposit insurance, offer interest-bearing accounts for its clients, feature direct deposit options, let players pay bills online, and apparently will offer loans to customers.”

Zoso: “… reports of a £600,000 per year pension scheme for top raiding guild leaders have yet to be confirmed.”

Melmoth: “… after years of playing with virtually real money in the real world, stockbrokers across the globe are now looking forward to being able to play with really virtually real virtual real money in real virtual worlds.”

Zoso: “… fears that MindArk could be susceptible to toxic mortgages were allayed when they revealed that they had Sonic Corruptors standing by ready to boost toxic resistance.”

Melmoth: “… In other news, a suspected category 6 earthquake in central Europe turned out to be a false alarm; investigations into the disturbance showed it to be the collective orgasm of EVE Online’s recent POS exploiters as they all simultaneously signed up for MindArk’s flagship title Entropia Universe.”

Host: Goodnight!

Studio lights dim, theme tune plays.

Host: And the final round is “Continue the Prime Minister’s Question”. This week, teams, Keith Vaz has been calling for tough game ratings: “Given the fact that there is increasing availability of these games on the internet exhibiting scenes of graphic and gratuitous violence, when is the government proposing to implement the Bryon Report in full?”

Melmoth: … to which the leader of the opposition replied by leaping across the floor, punching Mr Vaz in the face and then teabagging him over the seat of the speaker of the house.

Zoso: “… specifically, the bit about not letting nasty people gank other people in Darkfall and call them bad names and nick their stuff”, continued Mr Vaz who had earlier lost his prized Bronze Claymore.

Host: Goodnight!

Studio lights dim, theme tune plays.

Host: And the final round is “Continue the Headline”. This week, teams, it’s news that all koreans are to have 1Gbps broadband by 2012: “The central government will put up 1.3 trillion won, with the remainder coming from private telecom operators. The project is also expected to create more than 120,000 jobs…”

Melmoth: … and in other news, Blizzard has reported a considerable jump in gold farming activity, anywhere from 119,999 to 120,000 accounts are suspected of being involved.

Zoso: … in order to make up for the loss of 120,000 man-years of productivity caused by universal 1Gb broadband.

Melmoth: … meanwhile London has announced that its plan to have a single 1Gbps line for the entire country in time for the 2012 Olympics was in fact too ambitious, and they have instead chosen to simulate the effect by having a naked drunken man come round and shout obscenities through people’s letterboxes.

Host: Goodnight!

Studio lights dim, theme tune plays.

Host: And the final round is “Continue the Headline”. This week, teams, it’s from old Aunty: Ninety per cent of the young people who seek treatment for compulsive computer gaming are not addicted. So says Keith Bakker the founder and head of Europe’s first and only clinic to treat gaming addicts… “

Zoso: “…who was speaking to us from the depths of Naxxramas via his level 80 warlock accompanied by 24 non-addicted players, who had undergone the rigorous testing process whereby their physiological reactions were measured as they were set a number of tasks, such as farming primals, sending crafting materials to the testing team, running five mans until he was fully kitted out, and… HEAL ME, FFS!”

Melmoth: “However, doctors at the clinic are still at a loss to explain the phenomenon that every member of the ninety per cent group of visitors, upon leaving the clinic, came straight back in, re-paid the examination fee and tried again.”

Host: Goodnight!

Studio lights dim, theme tune plays.

Host: And the final round is “Continue the Headline”. This week, teams, it’s some rugby news: “Northampton Saints have completed the signing of hooker Brett Sharman from South African side Blue Bulls.”

Zoso: “Northampton director of rugby Jim Mallinder said: “we felt we really needed to get that Windfury buff on the melee DPS group in… wait, Sharman? Dammit.”"

Melmoth: “… it took WoW fanfic aficionados several moments to realise that Google’s “Did you mean?” suggestion was a little off the mark from their original ‘half-breed Draenei/Tauren shaman prostitutes’ search.”

Host: Goodnight!

Studio lights dim, theme tune plays.