Killed in a Smiling Accident.

For new players to All Points Bulletin, a quick guide from pre-launch:

• Voice is broadcast by default; either go into the VoIP section of the Audio options to change it to push to talk, or if you’re wearing a headset be vewy, vewy quiet when sneaking up on wabbits (and enemy players) or they’ll hear you.  Or take advantage, by saying very loudly “I’M JUST GOING TO GO UP THESE STAIRS HERE AT THE FRONT OF THE BUILDING”, then sneak off up a ladder round the back.
• You show up as a red triangle on enemy radar (and vice versa) when either sprinting or in a vehicle.
• APB is very much like making love to a beautiful woman (© Swiss Toni), it’s better in a group. Pull up the group window (“U” by default) to find one (a group, that is; beautiful women are currently unavailable via in-game mechanisms).
• When riding as a passenger in a car, press forward or back (“W/”S”) to lean out of the window and shoot at stuff. Don’t press “F”, unless you want to get out.
• If there are four of you in a car, the two on the passenger side need to be very careful firing directly ahead or behind, or there will very soon be three in the car. If someone leaning out of the opposite side of the car happens to shoot you, they probably meant it.
• To add your own music to the game, pull up the music player (default “P”), select “Import”, and navigate to the folder containing the MP3s. You can also toggle between having your music playing all the time, or just in cars.
• Setting up a playlist containing only the theme from The Professionals to play whenever you get into a car instantly makes the game 42.7% more awesome
• Pick a gun to suit your style; out of the tutorial you can buy the OCA-EW submachine gun for close-in work, or the Obeya rifle if you prefer longer range shots.  (Speak to a contact to buy weapons, vehicles and upgrades.)  Alternatively, choose the one that best matches your shoes.
• If an enemy group are holed up around an objective, charging directly towards their waiting guns generally doesn’t work as well as taking a bit of time to scope the area and look for unexpected approaches or overlooking sniper positions. If your clan is closely modelled on the Crimean War era Light Brigade, though, go for it, it’ll make a great poem.

MMO fans, simulate the highs and lows of your favourite MMO’s release cycle quickly and easily and from the comfort of your own home! Simply drink several litres of water until you desperately need to pee, then don’t allow yourself to go until you’re forced to hop from foot to foot just to stop yourself from bursting. When you can’t take any more, and your anticipation of the big event is unbearable, allow yourself to go just a little bit before stopping yourself again, thus experiencing a few seconds of respite before enduring even greater aching desperation than before. Finally, when your eyes are watering and you fear you may start to pee out of your ears, commit yourself to the final outpour of content. Enjoy relief and euphoria for the twenty seconds or so that it takes for you to complete the entire release, before finding yourself spent and exhausted and without anything left to do but flush the entire result of your efforts down the toilet and wait for the next cycle to begin!

I.P. Forfun

MMO raiders, stave off boredom whilst on holiday by picking a fast food outlet at random from the local directory and then attempting to drive there without using the brakes on your car. Learning all the traffic light sequences along the way in order not to have to slow down will simulate the complex knowledge required for end game raiding, and pedestrians crossing the road in front of you can be equated to trash mobs trying to stop you from getting to the boss.

Once you’ve managed to get to there a few times without braking, or have had enough of the fatty loot at the end, simply pick a slightly upmarket restaurant and start all over again for higher rewards!

Yours repetitively,

Stu Pidraid

MMO players! With the sharp rise in Vitamin D deficiency, combat the risk of rickets by turning your monitor brightness up to a sufficient level to cause your body to synthesise Vitamin D.

Mrs Vita Mindy

MMO players, enhance the faithfulness of your STO experience!

Mrs Unas Tayble-Wurmholl.

Involve your non-gaming friends and family in the MMO Experience by randomly calling them on their mobile phones at the most inconvenient time and offering to sell them something they already have plenty of for a low low price.

Enhance the experience further by phrasing your sentences like Yoda and pronouncing every other word incorrectly!

Yours farmingly,

Goldie Sellars.

Don’t throw away those old boxes that your PC came in! Simply fill them with snakes and owls and they become an instant MMO dungeon instance for a group of hamsters. Literally minutes of entertainment for the whole family! To make things more enjoyable still, why not take bets from your children as to which of their hamsters will die first and cause the rest of the group to wipe!

Yours venomously,

Ms A Tawodent

MMO developers, remove all gold farmers from your game in an instant by changing the name of your game’s currency from the Gold to the Butt.

Yours pantingly,

Mr F Offendie

MMO players, don’t waste money on monthly subscriptions to your favourite game, simply simulate the experience for free in your own home by pretending that your partner has an exclamation mark over their head and asking them if there’s anything you can do for them. Once you have been given a chore, work at it non stop for hours until complete, and then pretend that you have gained a tiny increase in reputation with your partner’s faction. If you don’t have a partner, find an MMO playing friend who does and then form an adventuring party with them!

Yours paisley,

Mrs M Emmowidow, Somerset.