So we were chatting away about the recent Mass Effect: Andromeda patch with improvements to the character creator, and wondering what future updates might hold…
> MELMOTH: Patch Notes: Deleted all Ryder face and beard options and replaced them with 'a version of Noel Edmonds that our artist modelled one Friday afternoon while drunk'.
> ZOSO: New game pitch: ME:A featuring Noel Edmonds as Ryder with squadmates Mr Blobby and The Banker
The planet Eos. NOEL “PATHFINDER” EDMONDS disembarks from the Nomad accompanied by the pink and yellow horror that is MISTER BLOBBY.
EDMONDS: Looks like a Kett encampment ahead, Blobby, better be careful. Here’s the plan: we sneak up, hidden by those rocks there, then I’ll use my Biotic shield to cover…
BLOBBY: Blobby? Blobby blobby blobby! BLOBBBBEEEEEE!
BLOBBY charges forward wildly firing a submachine gun, falls over, narrowly misses EDMONDS with a burst of fire, gets back up; EDMONDS cautiously moves forward in cover trying to suppress the Kett with assault rifle fire; BLOBBY trips again, lands on EDMONDS.
EDMONDS: Blobby! For heaven’s sake…
Kett troopers look on, somewhat bemused. A telephone rings loudly and everybody pauses.
EDMONDS: Ah! About time The Banker turned up.
EDMONDS answers a telephone inexplicably sitting on a rock formation.
EDMONDS: Yes? I see. Really? Right then.
EDMONDS puts the telephone down. Tense music plays.
EDMONDS: Well, Kett Anointed, The Banker admires your bravado but says it will be your undoing in the end. He’s going to make an extremely generous offer that he knows you’ll turn down: 500 credits, an Uncommon item, and some inorganic lubricant.
KETT ANOINTED turns to his comrades.
KETT DESTINED: I’ve got a really good feeling about your container, I reckon there’s definitely an Ultra Rare in there, don’t take the deal.
KETT CHOSEN: The Banker’s just playing mind games with you, think about how those credits could change your life.
KETT ANOINTED: Well… it’s a good offer, Noel, but at the end of the day I’m an AI mob scripted to blindly attack you, so I’m going to have to say ‘no deal’ and shoot you with a plasma rifle.
While the Kett have been talking, BLOBBY has climbed up to a nearby platform. He takes aim with a Black Widow sniper rifle.
BLOBBY fires, completely missing the Kett; the recoil knocks him backwards in a somersault off the platform, landing on EDMONDS again.
Some people just have to take things too far, though…
> MELMOTH: Mr Blobby romance options...
Pathfinders Quarters on the Tempest. EDMONDS and BLOBBY have returned to the ship.
EDMONDS: Well, Blobby, as Kett Anointed didn’t take the deal I still have that inorganic lubricant. Better hope you don’t ‘trip’ and fall on top of me again…
BLOBBY: Blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby *squelch* blobby blobby blobby!
Fade to black. Fade to black! For the love of all that is holy fade to black!