Monthly Archives: August 2009

Originality is the art of concealing your sources.

Since the Hype Machine for FFXIV seems to have shunted the press-mania cog onto the main drive axle and engaged speculation overdrive, I thought I’d try to help out Square Enix by coming up with a few bold and vibrant new marketing taglines:

Square Enix’s FFXIV: Innovation and originality are our greatest strengths.

Square Enix’s FFXIV: Random battles and grind: we know how to MMO!

Square Enix’s FFXIV: You thought 18 hour boss battles were tough? This time it will take that long just to get through the introductory battle sequence and music!

Square Enix’s FFXIV: Cat girls, bulky meat-heads, androgynous lead characters and cutesy fur-balls, since 1987; so much so that we’re just renaming the cat girls, bulky meat-heads, androgynous lead characters and cutesy fur-balls from Final Fantasy XI!

Square Enix’s FFXIV: No really, we can innovate! Just consider the last thirteen games as practise. The originality is coming. Real soon now. Just as soon as we’ve copied and pasted everything from the last game.

Square Enix’s FFXIV: Ok, ok, but we do tell a mean story. And as we all know, MMOs and storylines go together like moogles and mouse traps.

Square Enix’s FFXIV: Admittedly not many people can understand our stories unless under the influence of psychotropic substances and witnessing the whole event through a kaleidoscope.

Square Enix’s FFXIV: And look: you level up your weapons now! Not only will your character look like everyone else, but they won’t even develop in a different direction! No individuality at all!

Square Enix’s FFXIV: In fact, we’re removing races and sexes too, the only option will be the blond-haired androgynous humanhyuran.

Square Enix’s FFXIV: Nothing will stop this perfect MMO master race from crushing and looting all life on Vana’diel Vana’diel 2 Not Vana’diel Eorzea (which is definitely not Vana’diel. No). Sieg Heil!

Square Enix’s FFXIV: Hey, at least you know it’ll look pretty.

Still no news back from their marketing department; I imagine they’re having trouble choosing just the one.

A noble craft, but somehow a most melancholy!

Observe the craftsman sat on the porch of his rickety weather-beaten workshop. His tanned arms, sinewy and dextrous, carefully manipulate a bow, sanding off the final imperfections.

It’s taken him an age to make.

The yew he collected himself from the ancient forest that surrounds his cabin, dried for a year before it was ready to be carved. A single piece, the sapwood and the heartwood coexist in laminate felicity, together they form that bond of harmonious cooperation that all marriages would aspire to but very few attain: there is flexibility, and with that flexibility comes strength.

The bow string is formed from the sinews of a deer that he hunted himself, his neighbour the forest is a generous giver of gifts and yet asks for nothing in return. The craftsman is conscientious, however: he plants new trees each year and attempts to improve his neighbour’s lot. The bow string is scraped using tools that have been passed down through the generations, each as lovingly made and cared for as the weapons which they are used to create.

The grip is formed from the leather of the deer, boiled and preserved and stretched and cut. A carving runs the length of the bow; Artemis accompanied by a deer hunts the wolf who flees before them, and so the carving runs. The carvings are inlaid with silver, ore that he mined himself and smelted in small quantities. It is applied with a fine brush, its bristles made from the tail of the deer. Nothing goes to waste: the bow is formed of the deer, the deer is slain by the bow, and the cycle begins anew.

When he is finished he looks over his work. It is art and appliance: form and function. He turns it over and over in his hands checking for any imperfection, rests it by its midpoint on his outstretched index finger and confirms that it is perfectly balanced. He leans back and takes a single arrow from the basket next to the door. Unhurriedly he gets up and steps down from the porch, draws the bow and feels the tension in his arms. The arms of the bow pull back, as if the bow was trying to draw him. He launches the arrow, the air whistles as if in admiration as the arrow passes, and is then stunned into silence as the arrow strikes the tree straight and true.

The craftsman nods to himself as he takes a cloth from the pocket of his worn leather apron and begins to slowly massage oil into the limbs of the bow. As with any act of love, he takes his time and is thoughtful and considerate with every action. By the time he is finished, the sun has begun its inexorable rise, throwing back the blanket of morning mist and lifting its head from the pillow of the forest canopy.

The craftsman holds the bow before him one more time, with a wistful look on his face, his eyes full of pride and fatherly love.

Then he chucks it on the pile with the twenty other bows he made earlier, takes the lot down to Norman the Merchant and sells them all for a few measly copper pieces.

Steam Indie Games Weekend Deal

I really ought to be packing a suitcase at the moment as I’m about to head off for a (hopefully) nice relaxing week on holiday, but a last minute browse through the feedreader found news of Steam’s indie games sale on Tales of the Rampant Coyote.

Away for a week, with a laptop that can’t handle big, graphically intensive stuff, and a collection of indie games for less than £2.50 each? At least one of them is a copper-bottomed actinium-edged classic, and several others have sounded interesting but not necessarily the sort of thing I’d want to shell out £10 for, so the pack is merrily downloading away.

If I get a few quiet evenings (or a couple of days of the traditional British summer and resultant torrential rain) I’ll try and write up a few thoughts on each of them, although bearing in mind that the best laid plans of mice and men often go wrong, and frankly these are, at most, third- or fourth- best laid plans, I probably won’t even get a chance to play them, let alone write. Like if I don’t get a shift on, I’ll forget to pack the laptop charger, but I thought I’d just point out the sale while it’s still on in case anyone fancies playing along at home.

Valhalla, I am coming!

Ever wondered what makes bloggers tick? What makes podcasters pod? Why are we here? What’s life all about? Is God really real, or is there some doubt? Well the answer to all these questions, apart from the last three, can be found at Grinding to Valhalla, where Randolph Carter is assembling a mighty array of interviews with writers, MMO bloggers and podcasters. And me n’ Melmoth. So if you’re interested in the grind of blogging, the transition to podcasting and 30 litres of custard and a feather duster, take a look at my One Shot. And if you want to understand just how bloggers will destroy the world, Melmoth explains all in his interview.

Fool me once.

“All powers and power sets are considered unfinished and are subject to change at any time.”

But please, take it on faith, whichever ones we choose to put in will be great! So buy a lifetime subscription now. What’s the worst that could happen?

“In other news, gamers across the globe continue to lay siege to the headquarters of game developer Cryptic Studios tonight, in protest at the ‘Shelf stacking’ and ‘Paper folding’ power sets, the only two power sets currently available in the company’s recently released MMO, Champions Online. A spokesperson for the gamer movement described the power sets as a ‘steaming pile of Kryptonian Vrarg dung’. Ouch. And now it’s over to Diana for a summary of the weather.”

News-o-matic 3000

You may have heard the News-o-matic 3000 on Kiasacast Episode 5, our first attempt at an automated news delivery system. Unfortunately something went a little wrong with the wiring, we think in the text-to-speech circuits, so we’re going to give it a try with plain text output instead. Here we go now…

And in the news for

AUGUST SIX TWO THOUSAND NINE

it seems that

STARCRAFT TWO

has been delayed due to

REASONS UNSPECIFIED

which is a shame, we were looking for-

ALTHOUGH IF IT’S NOT DUE TO ADDING LAN PLAY I WILL BE MOST AGGRIEVED

-ward to pl-

SOME OF THE MOST FUN I HAD WAS BACK ON SKARO WITH STARCRAFT LAN PARTIES ME AND CAAN AND THAY AND JAST IT WAS GREAT I WOULD ALWAYS PLAY THE ZERG AND THEY WOULD BE ALL LIKE NO WAY STOP WITH THE RUSHING YOU LAMER AND I WOULD BE ALL LIKE KEKEKEKEKEKE MAN IT WAS GREAT IF THERE IS NO LAN PLAN IN STARCRAFT TWO THEN WE WILL TRAVEL TO THE BLIZZARD HEADQUARTERS AND EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE! EX-TERM-IN-ATE! EX-TERM-IN-ATE!

Oh dear. Still a bit of fine tuning needed, I think.

It is easier to pull down than to build up.

If there’s one good thing about EVE and forthcoming Champions Online it’s that their single server architecture philosophy means that players like myself, who seem to be utterly cursed when it comes to server selection, will be able to play at ease knowing that if we can’t get into the game, then nobody else can. It also means a lack of server mergers, where one generally loses the name that they hand picked to represent themselves in all their virtual online glory.

Exhibit 1: Lost all of the names of my characters during the Warhammer Online mergers.

Exhibit 2: Currently waiting for the only EU English RP realm in WoW that’s not up and running after the 3.2 patch, where funnily enough all my characters live.

So while I wait I’m making up some “yo’ momma”-style jokes to tell around the Ironforge mailbox:

Yo’ character so epic that aircraft mistakenly try to land on its shoulder pads at night.

Yo’ character so epic that Purple Haze is now an official medical disorder.

Yo’ character so epic that at Christmas, Santa puts the kids’ presents under it.

Yo’ character so epic that you look just like everyone else.

Yeah they’re awful, you can blame Blizzard for making me wait and thus have time to inflict those upon you.

Kiasacast Episode 5

For those of you who are not monitoring our podcast RSS feed or stalking us on the Twitterverse, brace your main hats and hang on to your sails, because we’re pleased to announce that it’s time for Kiasacast episode 5: The burnout yo-yo!

This episode of the podcast includes:

– Introduction and news

– Reader mail – where we find out that we’re still cursed after tigerears bit us under the light of a full moon

– This month (maybe longer) in KiaSA, including::

     – Everquest 2

     – Jumpgate

     – Lord of the Rings Online

     – Star Wars: The Old Republic

     – And more…

– Book Club

– Twitter questions

– MUSIC BLAAAAST FROM THE GAMING PAAAAAST!

     – Last episode’s tune: Wing Commander theme tune

Download Kiasacast Episode Five

And you may ask yourself: how do I work this?

With the world map turned a suitable shade of pink in Empire: Total War and Grand Theft Auto IV heading towards the culmination of the main plot, I’ve had a nice break from MMOGs and I’m starting to think about seriously contemplating heading back into a massively multiplayer world. Not *actually* playing just yet, that would be crazy; just as you need to warm up before exercise, and as every good meeting needs a pre-meeting (preceded by a pre-meeting agenda discussion), you need to take a run-up at these things. Y’know, Google around a bit to find out what’s going on, keep up with the blogs, form a guild for a game that’s not even in closed beta yet, and disband the guild in a violent schism over a hypothetical interpretation of what a metaphorical guild policy might or might not mean in relation to the non-existent terms of agreement that won’t be drafted by the legal team for at least a year. The usual stuff.

I’m hankering after something new. World of Warcraft peeks around the corner every now and again reminding me there’s a level 70 rogue who hasn’t yet felt the Wrath of the Lich King; there’s the Land of the Dead to visit in Warhammer Online; Dungeons and Dragons Online has the alluring prospect of Unlimitedness soon, Age of Conan and Lord of the Rings Online both tried to tempt me back with free activation, but there’s something about being in a new MMOG at launch time. Queues, bugs, frustration and server crashes, for example, that prove the wisdom of Van Hemlock’s three month rule, but there’s also the other side. The Shiny New Game Experience, like opening up the box of a glossy new gadget, or shoving a teaspoon through the foil of a new jar of coffee; everyone’s starting together, in the same areas, experiencing the same things. At least for an hour or two until the more dedicated players pull away, and 72 hours later, before the head start is over, they’re at the level cap, amped to the eyeballs on Pro Plus and Mountain Dew, and posting bitterly on the forums that there isn’t enough content.

Another perk of playing a game at launch is that, whenever you talk about it in the future, you can liberally pepper the conversation with “when I played it back at launch…”, then shake your walking stick and tail off into mumbling until they wheel you off for Horlicks and Countdown. That said, actually having experience of what you’re talking about is usually considered bad form in the blag-u-spore when making grand pronouncements, so it’s not like you actually have to have subscribed to join in the Four Yorkshireman style one-upmanship. Just open with “fire blast was so overpowered back at launch”, someone counters “… oh, they hadn’t sorted that out? I raised it as an issue in open beta”, someone else chips in “… course, it was totally useless in closed beta, they went too far the other way when they tried to fix it”, and you can trump the lot with “… when I said ‘launch’, I meant the launch of the pre-pre-pre-pre-pre-one-before-alpha version, where you punched the spell you wanted to cast onto a Jacquard card, fed it into the mill, cranked a handle and the Engine printed the outcome of the attack as 40-column ASCII art on vellum.”

On the new game front, there look to be two main possibilities launching in September: Aion and Champions Online. Aion sounds… fine, Melmoth’s had a look around, the leopard skin leggings appear most laudable, but nothing I’ve read about it yet leaps from the page and screams “YOU MUST PLAY THIS GAME!” Which is good. If that happened, I’d really need to lay off eating cheese before bed. Champions Online, on the other hand; having spent many hours tinkering with the City of Heroes costume creator, and being intrigued by the Champions equivalent for over a year (from pieces on Massively and elsewhere I think we can now safely say customisation extends further than a single hat), I could probably spend the first month just playing with that. There we go, then: I’ll play Champions at launch, and if you’re going to play something at launch, you might as well pre-order the box for a few bonus tchotchkes. Touring several online retailers I was weighing up the pros and cons of a bonus harlequin hat vs. an item that gives minor damage resistance vs. some insect-wing-type-things, and wandered over to the Champions site to see what they had to say, and noticed their lifetime subscription offer.

Hrm. Dilemma, that. I’m certainly tempted; I’m not convinced I’ll dive right in at launch and stay there for a solid year or more, but I could easily see myself dipping in and out over several years… if the game is still running, I imagine people who took out lifetime subs to Hellgate: London were mildly displeased when Flagship went into receivership. Somewhat less dramatically, I might just not like it that much, it’s a bit hard to tell without having played it, so I might as well stick the pre-order in, as that comes with beta access of some variety, give it a crack, and postpone the decision ’til then. There’s a deadline of August 31st on the lifetime subscription at the moment, but I wouldn’t be wildly surprised if that was extended by a couple of weeks, or even a longer, “due to popular demand!” There’s every chance the deadline won’t be extended, though, so don’t go printing this out and waving it at Cryptic telling them it’s a contract if you want a lifetime sub on September 2nd and they’re not offering them any more.

A big factor with Champions has to be City of Heroes; can they both succeed, or must one fall? Are there enough superhero MMO players for them both to be viable? I imagine a decent chunk of the current CoH player base will at least take a look at Champions, quite possibly pick up the box and play for a month, but after that? NCSoft obviously have one eye on Champions with their announcement that CoH players subscribed between August and November will get beta access for the Going Rogue expansion, but from a personal perspective I’m more interested by the fact that they recently combined the North American and European forums; it may have no significance beyond the forums, but perhaps it’s a precursor to combining the North American and European servers? I’ve got all my high level characters, shiny veteran rewards and the like on the North American servers, and couldn’t face leaving them behind to start over on the European servers, but if I didn’t have to… I might get back into it. Interesting times. Until then, anyone interested in a guild for Transformers Online?

In the news.

Slashdot reports on Nissan’s All-Electric LEAF vehicle:

“In Japan, Nissan unveiled their all-electric LEAF (press release, and Flash site). Slated to launch in late 2010 in Japan, the US, and Europe, this car will have a 100-mile range, seats 5, has an advanced computer system with remote control by iPhone, and promises to be competitively priced. While this car’s range won’t work for everyone, it could be a game changer as a commuter car.”

Yes, one presumes that it would indeed be a game changer, in the fact that now when you start playing Grand Theft Auto on your iPhone, you run over people in real life.