We here at KiaSA Industries Inc. have been hard at work on the next evolution in MMO optimisation for the past year, and we’re pleased to finally announce the imminent release of KiaSAplayer 1.0 for Microsoft’s “controller-free gaming and entertainment experience”, Kinect.

What is KiaSAplayer?
KiaSAplayer is an artificial intelligence learning system that uses Microsoft Kinect’s visual recognition system paired with our patented robotic USB KiaSArms to learn and play raid boss encounters in World of Warcraft in the most optimal fashion. Using the Kinect camera, the KiaSAI will perform all the keyboard and mouse interactions required to complete a raid boss encounter within a 0.34% tolerance of ideal spreadsheet-planned strategy.

What can KiaSAplayer do for me?
Have you mastered looking up strategies for your class on Elitist Jerks? Tired of being the very best at copying the precise talent spec and gear list required to be accepted by elitist players? Well, KiaSAplayer takes you to the next level by removing you from the game altogether!

Humans are inefficient and prone to mistakes, and despite a naturally occurring ability to learn and adapt, developed through millions of years of evolution, they still aren’t as optimal or accurate as a simple machine when it comes to performing rote repetitive tasks. KiaSAplayer will make you the best that you can be, by removing you from the equation for success.

Before: YOU + OPTIMAL CHARACTER COPIED FROM EJ + TANKSPOT STRATEGY + RAID = WIPE
After: KIASAPLAYER + OPTIMAL CHARACTER COPIED FROM EJ + TANKSPOT STRATEGY + RAID = SUCCESS

“Able to handle the most complex of optimised skill rotations, whether it’s 1, 1, 1, 3, 4, 1, 1, 2, 1, 4, or 1, 1, 2, 2, 1, 1, 2, 1, 4, KiaSAplayer relays a limited number of numerical keypresses with ruthless precision and has made me the optimal gamer that I am today” — Geoffrey Bethebest

And don’t worry, since KiaSAplayer is linked directly to the Internet it can download all the latest boss strategies from Tankspot, all the latest builds from Elitist Jerks, and all the latest excuses for why your class is underpowered from Blizzard’s forums! There really is nothing left for you to do but put your feet up, relax and wait for the pointless purple pixels to roll in.

Can I play my character at all?
We wouldn’t recommend it. Humans have a natural tendency towards curiosity, experimentation, exploration and adventure. These are dangerous, non-optimal desires which should be eradicated in such a serious environment as an MMO. After all, people’s lives are at stake here; the world economy balances on a knife-edge depending on the server-first success of the top 0.27% of World of Warcraft raid guilds; mankind’s greatest advances in the last ten years can all be directly linked to the crafting of a new Thunderfury; and our angry wrathful God can only be appeased – and the repeated threats of apocalypse averted – when raiders gain their latest Tier shoulders and quickly gem them according to the immutable holy law of the scriptures.

Buy now and get the KiaSAplayer Brian Blessed celebrity voice chat pack for only £4.95! Comes with 150 raid-ready voice commands that your KiaSAplayer can bark out over Ventrilo, including:
DEE PEE ESS… DIIIIIIVE!
NO, YOU FOOLS! GET OUT OF THE FIRE!
ARTHAS IS ALIVE?!
and many more!

Couldn’t I just dance around on the mailbox in Ironforge for a bit?
What if you type /dance incorrectly? What if you’re not perfectly aligned to maximise the number of viewers able to see your perfectly enchanted butt in all its ludicrously swollen glowing Tier X glory? Can you keep up the work ethic 24/7? Can you really stand the pace of mailbox dancing? Remember, everything in World of Warcraft is either serious business or worthless frivolity deserving of nothing but derision and ridicule. Mailbox dancing is no exception.

I’m sold! How do I begin KiaSAplaying?
Simply purchase your KiaSAplayer kit for £133.75, unpack it, place it in front of your PC, and follow the simple connection and calibration start-up guide.

What about maintaining my MMO subscription?
Not to worry, KiaSAplayer is Internet connected and therefore has access to all your registration and credit card details thanks to Sony’s innovative new Open ID database system. Once you’ve connected KiaSAplayer to the Internet it will update your MMO subscription automatically, and additionally purchase for itself any KiaSA Industries OPTIManALTM upgrades or peripherals, allowing it to play your game to the best of your ability to pay for it.

Can I at least watch my KiaSAplayer play?
We recommend not interfering in any way while your KiaSAplayer gains the transitory soon-to-be-made-redundant-by-the-next-expansion achievements, server ranking and laughable bragging rights that the top-tier World of Warcraft raiding business provides. Your best option is shutting KiaSAplayer in a room on its own and then taking yourself off and playing something else. How about a nice card game where competition and enjoyment are more important than simple optimisation, like Magic: The Gather… oh, wait. Well how about Settlers of Catan or RoboRally? Or a bit of Portal 2 co-op? You could even try raiding with friends, y’know, people you actually like, that sort of thing.

But without elite WoW raiding, how will I learn all the valuable life skills that it confers?
My dear customer, real life is already plenty full enough of people looking down on you and sneering because they feel they are superior within the bounds and rules that they have invented purely to make themselves feel superior. Why on God’s beautiful green Earth would you want to learn that from a game too?

Optimisation is passé, so don’t delay, buy a KiaSAplayer today!

KiaSAplayer: the optimal way.

Posted by Melmoth at 10:00 am