GUNBARREL, CO – With a virtual queue of massively multiplayer online role-playing game enthusiasts awaiting their chance to play EverQuest the way God and/or Brad McQuaid intended on the new Fippy Darkpaw progression server, Sony Online Entertainment have announced the launch of another progression server, Vulak’Aerr, to cope with the demand.
“We knew there was some late 90s nostalgia we could tap into” said SOE spokesman Reginald T. Furby, adding “wee-tee-kah-wah-tee” and putting on a CD single of Freestyler by the Bomfunk MC’s, “but we hadn’t anticipated this level of interest. We’re delighted to be able to open Vulak’Aerr so that everybody who wants to experience Old Skool EverQuest only has to queue for the spawns, not to get into the server.”
In other EverQuest news, Sony Online Entertainment have announced plans to allow character transfers from the Vulak’Aerr progression server onto Fippy Darkpaw, with Vulak’Aerr closing within three to six months. “It turns out nostalgia only takes you so far” said SOE spokesman Reginald T. Furby, hastily ejecting a B*Witched CD after remembering just how awful it was, “and after that initial wave of excitement and comparatively quick early levels, the sheen wore off a bit. On the plus side many of our players reported significant progress in household chores such as doing the washing up, ironing shirts, and other tasks that can be performed while waiting for mana to regenerate between pulls. Of course some players genuinely prefer this style of game, but not enough to sustain two servers.”
Asked about extending the progression server idea to other SOE games, Furby replied “well we thought about it for Star Wars Galaxies, but the Combat Update and New Game Experience were such unqualified successes that I really can’t see anybody wanting to go back to the old rules. We’re very excited about the progression development model we’re using on The Agency, though, giving players the chance to get hyped for the release of the game in six to twelve months, just like in 2007!”
Umm, can I work at the Seattle office that’s developing The Agency? What a gig!
[Sven answers the call from his boss]
“Progress? Oh yes, lots of espionagey dialogue completed. What? That scene isn’t in the game anymore? Oh, oh, a-ha, sure, right” [long pause…the boss spends the next ten minutes talking about his vacation in Fiji…Sven plays paddle ball, so well in fact that he will be trying to set the world record for consecutive hits next weekend]
“So we’re going a different way now then. Right. More shooty shooty pew-pew? Less talk. Right. More indiscriminate cursing? Uh-huh, yes, I know those words sir, yes. So when am I expected to see the new material so I can get the creative juices flowing? Two months. Splendid. Yeah, I can look busy when Smedley visits next week. My team? Umm, well, sure…how about an Agency themed ‘choose your adventure’ book for the Kindle and Nook? Great, they’ll get right on it!”
“Any word on the release? No, no, I understand, no where near ready with all of these changes. Graphics update? Of course, I’ve heard of that. Yeah, no question. We must be cutting edge. Six months…maybe a year. Sure. I can keep ’em busy ’till then…I’ve done it for the past five years!”
[Sven hangs up the phone, swivels his chair around to look out at the rolling fog approaching the Seattle harbor…a smug grin permantely plastered on his face. As if to say, “Does it get any better than this?” He loads up the RIFT beta launcher, and stands up to address his team]
“You guys all ready to login? C’mon, there’s work to be done!”