While Dungeons and Dragons Online continues most splendidly, one mildly irritating feature is the collection of weapons I’ve accumulated which are brutally effective in quite specific circumstances, leading to pauses in combat while rooting through the inventory to try and find the most appropriate implement for the current fight…

The Scene: a dungeon which carries the sign ‘Ye Olde Tombe of Peril’. MOUSEBENDER, an adventurer, enters and confronts an AXIOMATIC HORROR.

MOUSEBENDER:
    Good morning, foul spirit.
AXIOMATIC HORROR:
    Good morning, sir. Welcome to the Tomb of Peril. What can I do for you?
MOUSEBENDER:
    Well, I was rather hoping to purge the dungeon of the foul spirits that infest it, and perhaps perform a spot of light ransacking for a little financial renumeration in the process.
AXIOMATIC HORROR:
    Oh, I see. I suppose you’ll be wanting to kill me to death, then?
MOUSEBENDER:
    I’m afraid so. Nothing personal!

MOUSEBENDER stabs the abomination with a rapier.

AXIOMATIC HORROR:
    I’m afraid you won’t get very far with that, sir, I have damage reduction from piercing weapons.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Oh never mind, how about a +2 mace?
AXIOMATIC HORROR:
    I’m afraid it’ll need more than +2, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Tish tish. No matter. Well, fiendish creature, I have an acidic greatsword here!
AXIOMATIC HORROR:
    Ah. Acid immunity, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:
    It’s not my lucky day, is it? Er, Gwylan’s Blade with sonic damage?
AXIOMATIC HORROR:
    Sorry, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:
    +1 Light Hammer of Pure Good?
AXIOMATIC HORROR:
    Normally, sir, yes. Today I’ve got a special resistance.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Ah. Giant Stalker’s Knife?
AXIOMATIC HORROR:
    Sorry.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Weapons of Kobold Bane, Muck Bane, Goblinoid Bane, Elf Bane?
AXIOMATIC HORROR:
    No.

MOUSEBENDER throws another four useless swords from his backpack to the growing pile on the floor

MOUSEBENDER:
    +1 Ghost Touch short sword, per chance?
AXIOMATIC HORROR:
    No.
MOUSEBENDER:
    You can be harmed, can’t you?
AXIOMATIC HORROR:
    Of course, sir. If you …
MOUSEBENDER:
    No, no, don’t tell me. No spoilers, I haven’t looked this up on the wiki.
AXIOMATIC HORROR:
    Fair enough.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Er, something Axiomatic?
AXIOMATIC HORROR:
    Yes?
MOUSEBENDER:
    Ah, splendid, good job I found this in an earlier chest!

MOUSEBENDER sets about the abomination with a +1 Axiomatic Bastard Sword of Backstabbing, despite lacking the weapon proficiency.

AXIOMATIC HORROR:
    Oh, I thought you were talking to me, sir. I’m an Axiomatic Horror, that’s my name, and if you’d succeeded in doing any damage up to this point that would have healed me.

(pause)

MOUSEBENDER:
    +2 Metalline scimitar?
AXIOMATIC HORROR:
    Ah, not as such.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Er, Flametouched cudgel?
AXIOMATIC HORROR:
    No.
MOUSEBENDER:
    That figures. Predictable really, I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have tried the weapon in the first place. Tell me:
AXIOMATIC HORROR:
    Yes, sir?
MOUSEBENDER:
    Have you in fact got any weakness at all?
AXIOMATIC HORROR:
    Yes, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Now I’m going to ask you that question once more, and if you say ‘no’ I’m going to shoot you through the head. Now, do you have any weakness all?
AXIOMATIC HORROR:
    No.
MOUSEBENDER:
    (shoots him through the head)
AXIOMATIC HORROR:
    You’ll need to use Holy Bolts for that to work, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:
    (logs out)