Press Release: Squire Online.

Squire Online is an exciting next generation MMO from the creators of GrindFace and Ant Farm Online, where you take on the role of squire to a hero of the seventh age, armed only with your wits and a small sack barrow.

It’s the Grindeenth of Grindember, in the year of Our Lord 1337, and you start your adventuring life as a squire in the small town of Grindburg, in the kingdom of Dross. There are many heroes in the world, too many some might say, and they are each so powerful that they can destroy whole towns with nothing more than a baleful glare. Yet there is one problem: they cannot move. Due to the alarming and preposterous dimensions of their mighty armour, the heroes of the world are no longer mobile. Were it even possible for the immense joints of the cumbrous fragments of armour to move freely, our heroes would not have the physical strength to shift such weight, especially when attempting to wield a weapon that could double as the hull of an ironclad warship. Even those heroes wearing only cloth armour cannot get far: wrapped in so many ponderous layers they find themselves held rigid like a scarecrow in a clown suit, and can only totter short distances by hopping from one locked-straight leg to the other.

And so the heroes of the world are stuck, fuming and straining with the sweaty, bulging-veined, squashed-dough face of one who is constipated with destructive power, like geriatric Super Saiyans.

Enter the squire and his sack barrow, able to wheel a hero from location to location, you are responsible for manoeuvring your hero into harms way and then, through a complicated series of levers and pulleys, operating your hero’s weapons.

Game features:

  • Start the MMO with a level 1000 Hero of Ultimate Heroism equipped entirely in epic equipment!
  • Level your squire and invest points to improve their skills:
    • Negotiation (Stairs).
    • Avoidance (Gravel Driveways).
    • Dodge (Bollards/Raised Curbs).
    • Curse (Low ceilings).
  • Gain unique and amazing powers!
    • One Wheel Cornering.
    • Super 180 Reverse.
    • Sack Barrow Charge.
    • Fallen Hero Scoop and Scoot.
    • Impersonal Sponge Bath.
  • Find new and exciting equipment for your squire!
    • Anti-hernia Girdle.
    • Head-mounted Periscope.
    • Buy increased capacity for your hero’s Port-A-Bucket[TM] in the Cash Shop, and save yourself the in-game downtime of having to clean poop from off of everything.
  • Upgrade your sack barrow with greater manoeuvrability and lifting capacity, and discover the ultimate upgrade, the Hero Shifter 3000 forklift!
    • Hydraulic and Pneumatic systems for animating your hero’s armour with increased power and response times.
    • Shopping Basket attachment.
    • Magic Tree Air Fresheners are available in the Cash Shop in a variety of scents. Neutralise the odour of your sweaty angry hero for bonuses to diplomacy with the various in-game factions.
    • Your hero comes with various mount points which you can use to personalise them and add further bonuses. Add freshly laundered underpants to their helmet spikes to gain extra righteous fury for use in combat, for example!

Squire Online will be wheeling its way onto your PC in Q4 2011.

5 thoughts on “Press Release: Squire Online.

  1. Stabs

    Can we buy turnips in the cash shop?

    Ironically my antispam word is turophile which is probably Latin for lover of turnips.

    Did you know some turnips naturally grow into shapes that are just like a thingy? It’s a true fact, I learned it on the Black Adder documentary.

  2. Melmoth Post author

    Turnip or not turnip – that is the question.

    I like turnip, myself, although it’s generally disagreeable with the person I’m nipping.

  3. Pardoz

    So either the kingdom of Dross has no heroines (as traditional heroine heavy armour consists of two sequins and a postage stamp) or the lasses find it impossible to balance the sway and heave of their Himalayan cleavage while attempting to walk on 12″ stiletto heels.

  4. Capn John

    Pardoz, now throw in a weapon that’s bigger than your own body, and it’s really no surprise that the stereotypical Dross heroine remains frozen in terror that the slightest movement will lead to her being (even more) indecently exposed.

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