Wednesday 29 July 2009

You’ll never warg alone.

Life goes on in Middle Earth as part of my further adventures in Lord of the Rings Online, for my character at least, I can’t say it’s looking terribly sunny for the general wildlife population of the place though. I think David Attenborough and Auntie would do well to take a visit to these virtual wildlife reserves and spend some time recording the mating habits of the inhabitants thereof however, because although I push a mighty wave of destruction before my dwarven bow, it never seems to have that much impact on the global population.

“A family of wargs. Here, in the wilds of Angmar, we see these magnificent creatures in their natural habitat. They stand motionless; for years at a time they wait in the same area which is often no more than a few meters in diameter; separated from others of their kind by a similar distance, they remain on the same spot for the majority of their lives. And do nothing at all. Scientists are unsure as to why the creatures have developed this way, but it is possible that they space themselves at exactly such a distance from one another in order to annoy the hell out of the other major predators of the wilds…

An adventurer. The master predator of the wilds, here we see one scuttling its way across the land, desperately trying to avoid the wargs in order to reach a more fulfilling prey. Despite its best efforts though, it has managed to attract the attention of several wargs, who now leave their patches of isolation and hunt, somewhat ineffectively, as a pack, in an attempt to bring the adventurer down. Most of the time we see the adventurer ignoring the wargs and continuing on its way. The wargs, unable to gain any ground on the adventurer, suddenly realise that they left the iron on at home, and thus turn to head back.

Sometimes though, on rare occasions, a lone adventurer chooses to hunt the wargs. Experts are unable to determine the exact reason for this, but it seems as though the adventurer has formed a mutually beneficial symbiotic bond with a very strange creature indeed; for there is a certain type of insect in the world of MMOs that is known for its propensity for real ale. However, these curious creatures are never found in the presence of adventurers, except in one instance: when they have given-up on their alcoholic tendencies. For some unknown reason, it’s these creatures that are held in the highest regard by adventuring society, and its well known that adventurers will do almost anything for them. Certainly if one were able to translate the strange guttural speech of the adventurer – a bizarre impenetrable language consisting of short rough words formed mainly from numbers and consonants, such as OMG, WTF and BBQ – and ask them why they were killing wargs, they would surely reply ‘Why, for the ex-beery ants, of course!’.

It is now, then, that we witness the amazing reproductive tendencies of the warg. For as the adventurer slaughters a path through the wargs, killing them indiscriminately, new generations of wargs spring into life behind the adventurer without so much as a “*bow* *chikka* *bow* *bow* *chikka* *chah*” occurring between male and female wargs. In fact, scientists are entirely uncertain as to whether there are different genders of warg at all, or that in fact wargs reproduce using some form of spontaneous asexual spore that produces a full grown warg the moment it makes contact with soil. The unwary adventurer may find that, having slaughtered their way through several hundred wargs, they are now trapped behind a wall of fresh wargs, all standing on their little solitary patches of soil. Doing nothing at all. They stare into space; possibly they are composing poetry, or contemplating the meaning of life. It is unlikely, however, that we will ever know for sure what these wargs are thinking.”

We here at KiaSA know what those wargs are thinking though:

“Those bloody adventurers! I’m not playing ‘Tag you’re it’ with them ever again. Every time I chase and tag them and then start running away, they just keep going as though I never got them! Cheating gits the lot of them. Why, if I eve… Ha ha ha! Here I come adventurer! Ha ha ha! Here I come!

Tag! *pant* You’re it! *pant*

Your turn to chase me now! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha… hey! Come back! It’s your turn to chase me! Oh no fair, I clearly got you!

That’s it! Never again. They don’t play fair, and I’ll be buggered if I’m going to keep running after adven… Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Here I come! Here I come! Oi, Colin, leave her, she’s my tag. I’m playing with her. Oh, c’mon Frank, you too? We can’t all play tag at the same time. You two, stop it! I was here first, go and find someone else. Fine! Fine then, I’m going back to my spot, you two can carry on chasing if you like.

<yelling into the distance> There’s no point though, they never chase us back!

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