Friday 10 February 2012


“By all the DEITIES/ANCIENT_RELICS, a HERO_TYPE! Here, in REGION! I can’t believe my luck, here am I with PROBLEM_A, and here you are, a HERO_TYPE, with exactly the HERO_TYPE_SKILLS required to solve PROBLEM_A. I’ve tried to get NPC_GROUP_A to help, but unfortunately they couldn’t manage it, due to IMPLAUSIBLE_REASON.

It’s quite simple HERO_TYPE, I need you to use your HERO_TYPE_SKILLS to do TASK_X in order to solve PROBLEM_A. I would do this myself, but unfortunately I can’t do TASK_X because I’m otherwise occupied doing LAME_EXCUSE_Y. I blame NPC_GROUP_A who are supposed to be helping me out here, but they’re all CAPTURED/USELESS/DEAD.

TASK_X is simple (but not simple enough for me to do, see LAME_EXCUSE_Y). You will need to go to A_PLACE_NEAR_HERE and RESCUE/RETRIEVE the OBJECT_OF_TASK_X. However, the OBJECT_OF_TASK_X is, alas, guarded by many TERRIBLY_CONVENIENT_OBSTACLES which you will need to overcome by KILLING/DISABLING them. Once you have removed the TERRIBLY_CONVENIENT_OBSTACLES from your path, you should be able to reach OBJECT_OF_TASK_X.

When you have done this, return to me —-I’ll still be standing right here, but I am very busy, honest (see LAME_EXCUSE_Y)—- and I’ll gift you one of MODERATE_TROUSER_UPGRADE OR AMAZING_WEAPON_YOUR_CLASS_CAN’T_USE OR SOME_STRANGE_FRUIT. I’ll also give you NOT_QUITE_ENOUGH_COIN_TO_COVER_EQUIPMENT_REPAIRS.

Thank you HERO_TYPE, I know you will do it, because you’re TOKEN_PRAISE_IN_AN_ATTEMPT_TO_MOTIVATE_PLAYER.”


“Ah, HERO_TYPE, you’ve returned! Did you manage to retrieve OBJECT_OF_TASK_X? Excellent, that means I can DO_SOMETHING_TRIVIAL and solve PROBLEM_A. Here’s your reward.

Oh but dear me, it seems that solving PROBLEM_A has revealed a deeper, darker issue in PROBLEM_B. PROBLEM_B is even more serious, and so I have developed an even more serious LAME_EXCUSE_Z to counter my having to solve it. What’s more, NPC_GROUP_B have spectacularly failed to do anything useful towards solving PROBLEM_B other than getting themselves into trouble. You, HERO_TYPE, you will solve PROBLEM_B, by performing TASK_Y and TASK_Z. Return to me when you have done this and I will give you A_REWARD_THAT_WOULD_HAVE_BEEN_HANDY_UPFRONT_TO_HELP_YOU_WITH_PROBLEM_B.

Good luck, HERO_TYPE, and may the MYSTERIOUS_POWER_OF_THIS_WORLD be with you.”

[brushes hands] There, I think that about does it. One simply needs to create a script to substitute for the variables, and it should be possible to produce just about every quest in every theme park MMO ever. Hopefully, with all the time this will save, people can get on with creating engaging game play, or something.

P.S. On an entirely tangental note, do watch this if you haven’t already seen it linked elsewhere.

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