Tuesday 10 May 2011

Notes from a small nigh land.

“Our lead story tonight: a serial killer remains at large in Stranglethorn Vale after evading capture by the authorities for a fourth night. Later in the show we speak to his victims, including one man who has been killed seventeen times by the person that people are starting to call the Booty Bay Botherer.”

“Daaaad, can we go and play outside?”
“Have you finished your chores?”
“I can only see seven rats here”
“Awwww, but Daaaaaaaad…”
“You know the rules; three more rats and then you can go out and play”

“And in the results for the 100m sprint… everyone came first! As usual.”

“I may be eighty six years old young man, but you boys wanted us all in chainmail bikinis, so here it is. How d’you like granny’s money makers now sonny, eh?”

“Well, with the downturn in the economy, Tony, expect to see commuters moving away from their big grass guzzling mounts towards more cost effective forms of transport.”

“Once ripe, the crop is gathered in the traditional fashion; seasonal workers are brought in to strip the Myne plant of its precious fruit. From the great silos the glittering harvest is refined and pasteurised before being formed into coins and sent to market to be sold. There’s no time to rest, however, and as soon as the produce has been shipped the farmer begins tilling the fields, making them ready for next season’s gold.”

“On tonight’s Ranopama: Does mortality exist? In this enlightening documentary, we speak to several leading Gods about the possibility that there is death after life.”

“Well of course nobody thinks I do anything with their used armour once they’ve sold it to me, but in fact I’ve got a vending machine around the back which is stocked with never-washed hero outfits; I’ve found it to be a very popular fetish with foreign businessmen.”

“Finished, mamma!”
“Eat up all your greens please, they’ll make you big and strong.”
“Awww, but I wanna be agile and lithe!”
“Oh, then you need to eat curried lamb kebabs.”

“And how did the trousers fit, sir?”
“They’re pretty good, but do you do them in epic?”

“As you can see, ladies and gentlemen, I am entirely naked save for this meagre loincloth. And now, before your very eyes, I shall magic objects out of thin air!”
“‘e’s just got ’em stored in ‘is inventory!”
“Yeah! Show us yer inventory is empty!”
“Anyways, why don’t ‘e just use real magic?”

“The end is nigh! The end is nigh!”
“Pffff, tourist.”

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