Tuesday 5 April 2011

Ask the attendees of a Counter-Strike party

Gevlon recently took time out from his busy raiding schedule to tackle relationship advice given out in Cosmopoliton and similar women’s magazines, illustrating the problem with a heart-warming tale of taking a female friend to a Counter-Strike party to give her a true perspective on these columns. Now far be it for us at KiaSA to suggest in any way that geeks may not be in an ideal position to offer relationship advice (after all, we’re both married) (and not to each other) (though we can’t exactly explain how) (how we’re married, that is, not how we’re not married to each other) (look, each of us is married, to a woman) (not the same woman, two different women) (one woman each, not two different women each, that would be illegal) (what was the question again?), but a Counter-Strike party didn’t seem like the first place you’d go for help on dating. Still, as it was so obviously successful, perhaps there’s a market for a new advice column: “Ask the attendees of a Counter-Strike party”:

Dear attendees of a Counter-Strike party,

There’s a guy at work I really like, and the other day he asked me if I’d like to have a drink after work; of course I said ‘yes’, but now I’m not sure if he just meant the two of us, or if he’s invited others from the office. Should I get dressed up and risk embarrassment if everyone is there, or just go straight from work and look like I’m not making an effort if it’s just him?

– Confused of West Bromich

Hello Confused, it really depends on where he invited you; if it’s a cafe or wine bar on a plaza with some decent vantage points, you’ll want want to get there nice and early with a SIG SG-550 and a couple of smoke grenades for cover if you need to change position. If it’s a busy pub with lots of nooks and crannies, though, you’re better off with an FN P90 and some flashbangs.

Dear attendees of a Counter-Strike party,

I’m rather shy and have been trying to get the attention of a boy I like in my class. I’ve tried to share some of his interests, but I don’t really like the music he always listens to, and apart from that he mostly leers over bikini-clad women in magazines. How can I get him to notice me?

– Shy of Weston-super-Mare

Hi Shy, it’s easy to see what’s going wrong here, you’ve left an open goblin plant on B. Try putting your short player closer to A with nade+smoke+flash boosted on the short stairs and smoking lower dark, then pushing up the catwalk.

Dear attendees of a Counter-Strike party,

Last night I was guarding Long A on de_dust2 and racked up a 2-bomb, but my boyfriend said I was just being an AWP whore who probably got most of the kills from interp’ing. I kicked him in the nuts and told him to take it back, but he didn’t. Is he right?

– Sn1p3rFoxxx of East Grinstead

Well, Sn1p3rFoxxx, it sounds like there are deeper issues in this relationship than the rifle. You need to talk to your boyfriend and explain that you’re very proud of your performance, and that you appreciate his views on the AWP, but you really need his support. If he can’t respect your choice of weapon, then perhaps he can’t accept you for who you are. Relationship counselling may help you both to discuss the issues in a less confrontational manner, but if he’s looking for something else from a relationship then trying to change just to please him will hurt both of you in the long run. Or you could just kick him in the nuts again and call him a bunny hopping Deag lamer.

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