Tuesday 6 March 2012

Fury itself supplies arms

While chatting about some of the recent waves of sound and fury sweeping through the intertubes, Melmoth observed “I will be rich and famous when I invent a way to power the Internet from the pure unbridled rage it generates daily.” My first thought was a keyboard that could harness all that ANGRY TYPING to generate electricity, but it seems Compaq and Google amongst others got there first. I’m not sure their patents really make the most of the PURE SPIT-FLECKED POTENTIAL of Angry Internet Men either, so I propose the KiaSA Punchboard: a giant alphanumeric array the user can PUNCH with their FISTS of RIGHTEOUS FURY to convey EXACTLY how WRONG their target is. Velocity sensors on each key would increase both font weight and size of the comment/tweet depending on the strength of the punch, underlining a word if any letter in it was activated by headbutt, and mechanical linkages would convert the kinetic energy to electricity by doing technical stuff (Editor’s Note: run that bit past Trevor Baylis).

By my entirely made-up calculations, four such devices should be sufficient to power a small village, so long as shortly before periods of peak demand (e.g. half-time of major sporting competitions when everyone puts the kettle on) a game developer has the temerity to express an opinion, a new Doctor Who is announced, or Jeremy Clarkson appears on The One Show again.

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