Wednesday 2 November 2011

He has the power to choose, but no power to escape the necessity of choice.

Betrayed and turned over to the orcs of the White Hand, we find our captive heroine transported to deep within the fiery orc-infested dungeons of Isengard. Will she survive the hardships of the dungeons? Can she rescue her fellow captives? Will she find a way to break her bonds and return to the surface to warn the advancing Rohirrim? Find out in this week’s exciting episode of A Warden’s Adventuuuuuuuures in Duuuuuuuuuunland!

“Orright ya filfth, we’re gonna get ya t’working, *hard*, until that pretty white elf flesh is all flll… uh?! Burr… where’d they go?”
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[Back at the Prancing Pony in Bree]
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“So you just used your milestone teleport?”
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“Well it was just sitting there and off its cooldown, seemed almost rude not to.”
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“Huh. Another pastry?”
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“Ooo, rather!”

Tune in next week for more exciting adventures in… A Warden’s Adventuuuuuuuures in Duuuuuuuuuunland!

A splendid attempt at storytelling in Lord of the Rings Online’s recent epic book content, somewhat spoiled by the fact that the diverse nature of an MMO means it’s hard to restrict the player as you would in a single player game. Whipping the player’s character off and locking them in a dungeon –from which they have to escape over a period of many quests– would be fine in a single player RPG, but in an MMO the developer has to give consideration to the fact that the player might want to go and play with their friends in the interrim.

Either that or Turbine simply forgot to turn off teleport travel skills.

I didn’t actually teleport all the way out, just tried the skill and the induction happily began, as my captors stood around watching me reading a map and muttering my incantations. If I had managed to port out, I do wonder how I was supposed to get back in to complete the epic story content, which itself leads to further considerations…

“NEXT!”
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“Morning Grotsch!”
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“Back again, elf?”
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“Yes indeed, thought I’d drop in, y’know, undertake a few more steps of my escape while I had the time.”
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“Orright, you know the way, down the hall, first tur…”
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“First turning on the left. One cell each. Yes, I remember. See you in a bit!”
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“Whatever. NEXT! Morning human. First time in the dungeon, or returning?”
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[Deep in the prison…]
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“I WILL WORK YOU UNTIL YOUR BONES ARE GROUND TO DUST. I WILL…”
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“Oh, lor! Sorry, but I’m going to have to stop you there.”
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“HUH?”
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“Just look at the time! I’m late for my mid-morning dungeon telecon! Sorry, terribly sorry, but I’ll have to take a rain check. I’ll be back later, yah? We can resume our session then.”
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“Awww, but I woz jus about to reach the culminashun of me monologue! Iz got a grate bit about ‘the tortured remnants of your soul will rot in the shackles of oppression’ an everyfink.”
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“Oh, that does sound truly wonderful, but I really must dash, darling. We’ll pick it up next time, I promise, and I’ll pay full attention to your monologue then. Mwah. Mwah.”
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“Bah, fine, off ya go elf.
YOU! OOOMAN! COME ‘ERE! I WILL FLAY YOUR HIDE UNTIL I CAN PLAY CHESS ON YOUR BACK. I WILL…”
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[At the prison entrance…]
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“Cheerio Grotsch, see you next time!”
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“Jus don’t ferget to clock out dis time!”
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“Oh deary me, I’d forget my own head if it wasn’t pinned on with leaves! There we go. Ciao!”
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“Gerroff wiv yer! Bloody elves.”

Still, at least I’m finally finding entertainment in Turbine’s latest expansion – just in all the wrong places.

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