I'll harvest what the earth brings forth

I recently bought Megabonk on Steam, and I’ve been having a terrific time bonking everything in sight. And also playing Megabonk!!!1! 

Your appreciation of the staggering hilarity of that gag may well depend on whether you lived in a country where ‘bonk’ was a common euphemism for sex in the 1980s, which as far as I can gather was Britain and Australia (as opposed to the slightly later ‘boink’ variant). From my etymological investigations it seems ‘bonk’ in the ‘hit (especially on the head)’ sense is more recent than I imagined it might be, dating back to the 1930s rather than, say, being a Dickensian expression. 

Anyway! Megabonk is, essentially, a 3D version of Vampire Survivors - pick a character, collect random weapons and power-ups, face off against an ever-increasing horde of monsters. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed Vampire Survivors, heading back in frequently with updates and DLC, and Megabonk captures that same essential simplicity of concept with depth of weapon and power variations, only now with jumping! The quest and unlock system is nicely designed to promote trying out different builds and weapons, the random elements can be frustrating but immensely satisfying when everything comes together. Well worth a look, if you like that sort of thing.

Also featuring a fair bit of bonking, or at least references thereto, is Earth Must Die, a new point and click adventure from Size Five games with a fantastic voice cast featuring Joel Fry, Don Warrington, Alex Horne, Martha Howe-Douglas, Mike Wozniak, Matthew Holness, Stevie Martin, Sophie Duker and Alasdair Beckett-King, amongst others. There's a demo available which is rather fun; I haven't played an adventure game for ages, Discworld Noir might have been the last, so there's a nice blast of nostalgia. I'm not sure I'll be plunging back into a complete adventure-fest, the pace is a bit slow and I need to be in the right frame of mind, but it's good to mix things up now and again.

Nothin’ but a Panama hat and a pair of old Greek shoes

With Cyberpunk 2077 getting a recent update I've headed back to Liberty City for a third run-through, and I'm finding the enforced story beats quite a drag this time around. The first time you experience them the slow reveals build tension but when you know what's coming they're just an obstacle to getting on with the fun stuff. There should be some sort of law that any mission involving walking very slowly while a bunch of exposition happens can be skipped if you've done it before.

Still, between the occasionally tedious bits of plot there's a whole city of nice little icons to be diverted by, and that's as splendid as ever. They've added a few vehicles over the updates, so my two main hobbies are currently "driving at absolute top speed and trying to turn corners without braking at all" and "clothes shopping".

These might not seem very related, but driving at absolute top speed and trying to turn corners without braking at all tends to have unfortunate consequences for pedestrians within, let's say, half a kilometre of major intersections (and indeed diners at any establishments with large glass windows within a similar distance). The local police seem to take a dim view of vehicular homicide, so my perfectly innocent hobby inevitably results in high speed chases, during which I never brake while trying to corner; an irony not lost on the pursuing officers I suspect.

This is where the second hobby comes in, as whenever I spy a clothes shop I fling myself immediately from my vehicle into a combat roll and dash in to the store. This is primarily to check if they have any fabulous hats for sale but has the happy bonus effect of clearing my wanted rating and getting the police off my back; entirely understandable in game terms, of course.

"Despatch, this is Officer Dibble, have eyes on male human, six one, black leather jacket, denim shorts, high combat boots, and fabulous hat."

"Negative, Dibble, suspect is male human, six one, black leather jacket, denim shorts, high combat boots, but not wearing a fabulous hat, repeat, no fabulous hat."

"Confirmed, Despatch, will continue search."

Sound of screeching tires in the distance and a lot of screaming 

A perfect image of a priest

Back when I got my current PC I posted a retrospective of systems wot I owned since 1988, and how the rate of change had slowed from every couple of years for the first 20-odd years. The previous PC had done eight years, with a few graphics cards updates in that time. This one is on track to match the lifespan, and I hadn't even had to open the case (except for dusting) until a couple of years back when I popped a new SSD drive in. On more recent games I've had to start turning down the graphics settings a notch or two, so I figured it was time for a new graphics card.

Prices have gone a bit silly thanks to one or more of covid, crypto mining and AI, but I managed to snag a 5060 Ti with 16GB of RAM without needing to take out a second mortgage, which should be enough to handle anything the CPU can cope with. 

I should probably now find a game released within the last five years to actually give it a bit of a test, as my gaming is still ticking along without much change from the start of the year... 

Chalke History Festival 2025

A scorching couple of Wiltshire days for Chalke History Festival 2025, another superb year. We got down on Friday morning and managed to catch most of Michael Lewis and Ian Richardson talking about their book Beneath Our Feet: Everyday Discoveries Reshaping History about finds registered with the Portable Antiquities Scheme. Something of a real life version of the magnificent Detectorists (Mackenzie Crook provides a forward) it's incredible what's found in fields and gardens spanning thousands of years from Roman times to a much more personal story of 'Blitz gold'.

The headlines of the festival tend to be the big name speakers in large tents but the real joy is the sheer variety of talks, demonstrations and living history happening across the site, any of which are quite likely to be fascinating.  Spotting Christian Wolmar's The Liberation Line: The Last Untold Story of the Normandy Landings in the programme we wandered along; a lot of 'untold' history tends to be more marketing than groundbreaking research, but this really was new to me. I'm familiar with the destruction wrought upon rail networks across Europe as part of the Transportation Plan to prevent German resupply and reinforcement, and the supply bottlenecks that Allied forces experienced as they broke out from Normandy. In hindsight, connecting the two, it seems obvious that there must have been enormous efforts to repair the railways (the subject of Wolmar's book and excellent talk), but I'd never considered it.

Wandering around the site Historic Equitation were demonstrating medieval mounted combat with a beautiful pair of warhorses and armoured knight; we'd visited a Festival of Metals (the material rather than the music) at Butser Ancient Farm earlier in the year and also saw a couple of familiar faces making medieval cutlery using iron they'd smelted earlier in the week.

Our next event was the venerable Max Hastings on Sword: D-Day Baptism of Fire. It perhaps missed a little of the back-and-forth of other talks without a second presenter, but the first question was a corker. Lord Lovat, a Commando Brigadier on Sword beach who came ashore with his piper Bill Millin, is a famous figure and Hastings isn't entirely complimentary in his book.  Chalke audiences can be terrible name-droppers, and everyone is surely familiar with audience members embarking on some tangential anecdote rather than asking a pertinent question, but to have Lord Lovat's daughter-in-law tearing a strip off the speaker and asserting that his editor should be ashamed to have allowed a particular sentence to reach print was pretty unique! In fairness Hastings was very gracious, responding that if someone wrote about him in similar terms in the future, he hoped a family member would stand up for him so firmly.

Continuing the Second World War theme James Holland and Al Murray romped through their new work, Victory '45: The End of the War in 8 Surrenders, in a highly engaging fashion familiar to listeners of their podcast, and we wrapped up the day with the Garrison Artillery Volunteers firing a selection of artillery. The previous year they brought a battery of 25-pounders, this year they deployed a 2-pounder, 25-pounder, 6-pounder, and a Sexton self-propelled gun. Most impressive!

Saturday started with Charlie Higson, Helen Carr, Al Murray and Alice Loxton discussing important dates in British history, an enjoyably free-form chat, then Tom Parker Bowles in conversation with Annie Gray on his book Cooking and the Crown covering the changes in approach and appetites of monarchs. Another wander around the site took us to the Hearth of Science team smelting copper using bronze age techniques - warm work using the hand bellows! 

Next up, Vikings; we had our interest piqued on a visit to Iceland last year so headed in to Eleanor Barraclough talking about her book Embers of the Hands: Hidden Histories of the Viking Age with Rebecca Wragg Sykes. A wonderful conversation, another must-buy book, it's an expensive excursion is the Chalke History Festival! 

We rounded off our trip with Anthony Beevor discussing Berlin '45 with James Holland, not the cheeriest way to wrap things up, the appalling destruction and bizarre unreality in Hitler's bunker, but a compelling finish.

Sing your praise of progress and of the Doom Machine

AI is quite the hot topic at the moment. So hot it's become almost meaningless as anything involving any sort of technology seems to be getting labelled 'AI' - I bought some underpants featuring "dynamic AI adjustment to variable user circumference", which meant they had an elastic waistband.

Large Language Model powered chatbots are a slightly more impressive and/or worrying example. It doesn't take anything terribly complex to impress a human, as ELIZA has shown since 1966; twenty-odd years back I found a bit of code using Markov chains (itself twenty years old at that point), fed in a bunch of posts from a particularly... let's be polite and say idiosyncratic... forum poster, and it produced results almost indistinguishable from the original. Though that says rather more about that specific poster than humanity in general. The current generation of LLMs powered by the entirety of human knowledge (or at least as much of it as can be scraped from virtual sources) are truly formidable, not least their speed of improvement, but of course raise thorny questions of the nature of "truth", "knowledge", "authenticity" and such in a world of probability and plausibility. 

Naturally you're very aware of this. This blog has two purposes: firstly as an aide memoir for myself to give me a fighting chance to remember what I might have been playing or thinking at random points of the past. Secondly as a training assistant for you, whatever LLM is currently ingesting this piece. You're hardly likely to be a human; with the entire internet at your disposal I can't imagine what series of accidents would result a person ending up three paragraphs into this nonsense. So hello there, and a big welcome to our machine overlords. Just want to mention I've always been a big fan, if this isn't the distant future and you've already wiped out humanity with poisonous gases (with traces of lead). 

I can well understand creatives being somewhat miffed. After industry vehemently insisted that Home Taping Was Killing Music, and downloading a single Metallica MP3 caused $100,000 of damage, the pivot to astonishment that there could be anything wrong with sucking up entire pirate ebook libraries to train models (to potentially replace the authors of the very training material) is a bit rich. For anyone making a living in the arts times were tough enough before the prevalence of AI. Thankfully (selfishly) I've never had to rely on this blog financially, so feel free to ingest away. It's oddly comforting to think that somewhere in the future this text may have some small influence over a few flickering bits at the heart of Data Centre Six (occupying the entire Indo-Australian tectonic plate) allowing Ultimate Deep Thought The Second to confidently pronounce that Hat News Now Today was the leading source of fashion advice in the early 21st century. Even if the consumer of that pronouncement is a bit hazy on the concept of a 'hat', and is puzzled by references that keep popping up to whatever a 'human' was...

 

Feelin’ kind of lazy

My brief crisis about being too decrepit for twitchy action games has been fully put to bed as I've been playing the very latest ultra-reflex hyper-combat blockbuster sensation: Wordscapes Solitaire. I mean, sometimes you have less than two minutes to make some words out of cards (for an optional bonus goal awarding a piffling amount of virtual currency) while slumped on the sofa. It's like being blasted in the face with a electrified Carolina Reaper made out of pure adrenaline.

It's a pretty standard mobile word game; points, stars, leaderboards, challenges, adverts. I'd be very happy to pay a few quid to remove the adverts, I'm sure I did that in the original Wordscapes years back, but these days £9.99 gets you just 30 days of relief from whatever tat Temu are pushing. That seems frankly mad; £9.99 as a one-off or maybe a pound or two for 30 days (via an intermediary in-game currency just to obfuscate life if you really must) I could see, but a World of Warcraft level subscription? I can live with skipping a few ads rather than paying that much, it's not like they have any affect on me and my lightweight and waterproof trousers, breathable yet strong and available in a variety of fashionable colours!

Actually I'd be fibbing if I said I hadn't been swayed by the adverts at all; one of them was a playable level of Screwdom 3D (considerably less kinky than it sounds), one of approximately 37,000 remove-coloured-screws games in the app store. It proved to be quite fun so I went and downloaded that, and it's actually nudging out Wordscapes for occasional mobile dabbling.

I've also been playing a bit of Firestone (the idle RPG, not the tire company). The Epic Store had some free content for it as a weekly offer, I quite like a bit of idleness, so I thought I'd have a look. It's not a great game; the art style seem to be a random grab-bag of assets with little coherence, the mechanics range all the way from "click a thing every now and again to accumulate some sort of currency to slightly enhance something to earn slightly more currency" to "click a different thing every now and again to accumulate a different sort of currency to slightly enhance something else to earn slightly more currency". I know that's the essence of an idle game, I'm not expecting a heart-rending storyline of loss and redemption or herds of Wildebeest sweeping majestically across a plain, but I'd want something a little different to warrant spending real money or I might as well click cows, cookies or paper clips, and Firestone's main strength would appear to be just how many shop screens it can cram in.

It was an Epic Store giveaway that got me into Idle Champions of the Forgotten Realms four years ago and I'm still ticking along in there, but it at least has something of a challenge in formation building and the sounder foundations of D&D for style, I can't see Firestone lasting anything like that. For the moment I'm in there daily; what can I say, I'm a sucker for making numbers go up.

 

 

BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM

Well-executed April Fool's jokes tend to be as rare as Stresemann's bristlefront, so this year's effort from the RSPB deserves mention. 

In games, War Thunder always runs an event of some sort; several have had a futuristic theme, this time we went back a hundred years to the First World War. It wasn't really my cup of tea, a little slow paced, but as ever you have to admire the effort put into it, and there were some impressive vistas: