Tag Archives: melmoth. mmo

All will come out in the washing.

“Hi honey, I’m at a bit of a loose end, anything I can do to help?”

“Ooo yes, if you don’t mind, could you pop these socks in the wash for me? That’d be a huge help.”

“Sure thing.”


“I popped those socks in the wash like you asked.”

“Thank you! Here, you can choose between this lipstick and this biscuit as a reward for you efforts.”

“I, uh, don’t really wear lipstick. The biscuit?”

“There you go!”

“Um, thanks. *cronch* *cronch* Anything else I can help with?”

“Actually yes, could you pop this t-shirt in the wash for me?”

“In the… but I was just… socks… you just… didn’t you just? Fine, I’ll pop it in the wash.”


“Right, I managed to get the t-shirt in the wash with the socks, but mind yourself when you go out to the laundry room as there’s a fair bit of water on the floor now.”

“Aww, you’re a sweetie. Would you like another biscuit, these eyelash curlers or this bra?”

“Well I can’t use the bra, not sure I’d really use the eyelash curlers, guess I’ll have another biscuit. Thanks.”

“Great! Seeing as I’ve got you here, I need a favour.”

“Of course, no problem.”

“Could you go to the washing machine and put this large jumper in the wash? You’ll need to be careful though, the jumper will be much more difficult to wash than the socks or the t-shirt, here take this fabric softener to help you.”

“Oh come on… I mean…. Right. Fine. Look, before I go, is there anything else that needs to go in the wash?”

“No, that’s it for now. Thanks!”

“Fair enough.”


“Ok, I got the jumper in the wash. The socks and t-shirt fell out on the floor when I opened the washing machine door and got dirty though, so I had to put those in the wash again.”

“You’re a star, thanks ever so much! Here’s a copy of Sex in the City on DVD for taking the time to help.”

“I can’t stand that film. Here, can I give it back to you in exchange for another biscuit?”

“Sure! Oh, while you’re standing there, would you mind doing me a favour?”

“I’m not going to the washing machine…”

“Hah hah, no no, don’t be silly. Could you take this pin and pop it in my sewing box upstairs?”

“*sigh* Whereabouts upstairs?”

“I don’t know exactly, but here’s a structural plan of the house and I’ve circled the room where it was last seen. And I need you to do it in the next two minutes!”


“Still here? Something up?”

“You have a box of one hundred and fifty pins on the worktop behind you.”

“One hundred and forty nine, now, actually. So?”

“Are you sure you just want me to take this one pin all the way upstairs? Just this one?”

“Yes. Just the one. Why?”

“It’s just that I notice you have a box of a hundred and fifty biscuits on the worktop counter too.”

“Ooo, better hurry up, time’s almost up, and then you won’t get your bis…secret reward!”

They see a troll with nothing else to recommend her but a pair of thighs and choice hunkers.

While war raged in the South and the Rangers of the North were absent, brigands and ruffians took an opportunity to steal control of Bree….

So says the Galadriel impersonating voice-over lady at the start of the skirmish Thievery & Mischief in Lord of the Rings Online. “Brigands and ruffians?” I thought, “Not a problem for a hero of the ages like myself!” and so off I charged from the marshalling point where I had gathered to prepare for battle, and headed toward the gates of Bree.

Whereupon this happened

A brigand. Or ruffian. Apparently.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hang on now, exactly what class of brigand or ruffian is that? I began to wonder what the conversations were like in the makeshift Brigand & Ruffian HQ inside the walls of Bree…

Brigand: “Holy Christ! Troll! TROLL! To arms men! Protect the women and children!”

Ruffian: “TROLL?! WHERE?”

Brigand: “Right THERE!”

Ruffian: “Where? Over by Kenneth?”

Brigand: “Who’s Kenneth?”

Ruffian: “Big green chap standing over by the gate.”

Brigand: “That’s a bloody troll you numbwit.”

Ruffian: “Nah, that’s not a troll, that’s Kenneth. Alright Ken!”


Ruffian: “Ha, ha, ha! Ok mate, whatever you say. He’s a kidder, eh?”

Brigand: “Kenneth? KENNETH?! Friend, I know a troll when I see one. And that huge green lump of muscle and teeth is a TROLL.”

Ruffian: “Shhhh, keep it down, you’ll hurt his feelings. Sure he’s no looker, but that’s just being mean.”

Brigand: “Keep it down?! KEEP IT DOW… look here mate, he’s just eaten one of our horses!”

Ruffian: “Hey look, so he’s a little eccentric…”

Brigand: “Eccentric?! HE ATE OUR LIVESTOCK!”

Ruffian: “No, no, no. I’m telling you: that’s Kenneth. I went to school with him for crying out loud. He played fly half for the Combe second XV when I was at full back. I dated his sister! Big girl, if you know what I mean.”

Brigand: “Uh, yeah, I can imagine.”

Kenneth: “Alright, Frank. Alright, Ted. Any sign of trouble from the Rangers today?”

Ruffian: “Alright Ken… wait… Ken, if you’re over here, who’s that over there?”


Kenneth: <peering towards the troll> “That’s Nigel isn’t it? Alright Nigel!”