Category Archives: the terraces

The terraces: The terrace for the indefatigable loot linker.

Onwards! Onwards, dear traveller, into the depths of the inferno; we come ever closer to the Third Circle, but let us again take rest on the viewing balcony of another terrace. Regain your strength whilst contemplating the sinners within, our journey will soon continue apace.

The indefatigable loot linkers.

We’ve all experienced, at one time or another: that lucky item drop that is something above the norm, something a little bit special. Often enough this happens when teamed with a small group of people or when playing solo, and the urge to share your exultation at such fortuitousness often leads to sharing a link of your newly acquired item of wonderment with members of your guild or your circle of friends.

Fear not, dear traveller, for such action will not find you ensconced within the oppressive walls of this particular terrace. No, this place is reserved for those sinners who feel that every item that they’ve ever owned is worth noting to not just their party, or their friends, or even their guild, but the entire known world.

The indefatigable loot linker begins early, and with a conviction to rival the greatest zealots. From first level they are linking every quest item they are offered; not just the items they gain, which would be tedious enough bearing in mind that every other player has probably had something very similar if not identical offered to them, or will have very soon, no, the loot linker shares every item the quest offers, including the ones they themselves cannot use, and then debates at great length in any channel of communication that hasn’t had the foresight to silence or kick them already as to which item they should choose. This would be bad enough, but it doesn’t end there: the loot linker, in their discussion of the terribly difficult decision of whether to take the dagger or the staff on offer, will link every item they currently have, and how these new items will affect their current character build. They will deliberate at great length on the difficulty of the decision, they will link items from other quests that are comparable, they will link future items that may be upgrades, they will link all the items they have on auction, and how that might enable them to generate enough money to buy a better item from the auction house or a vendor.

And of course, they link all the possible auction house and vendor items they might be able to buy.

This goes on for quite some time, with nobody being able to communicate with one another for the sheer quantity of linked items being flooded on to all channels, until finally someone yells at the loot linker that they’re “only level two, and what the hell does it matter what they pick, because they’ll be upgrading the item in question about one hundred times in the next hours worth of levelling!”. At which point the loot linker goes off to sulk, but not before linking the rare twink item that they’ve already bought for their character and can use next level.

Instance runs are another joy, as any item drop from a boss will illicit a blustering tidal wave of deliberation on the part of the loot linker; they debate for an epoch as to whether they should roll on it, because so-and-so an item is better [link], and they might respec in which case they’d prefer [link] or [link] and [link] is nice but [link] would be better if it’s a sunny day, but they’d rather have [link] in case it rains, and [link] on the off chance of low-lying smog. Then finally, when someone threatens them with extreme physical disfigurement if they don’t make their mind up as to whether they need the item or not, they [link] the very much better item that they’re already wielding, and explain how it goes better with their shoes [link] and hat [link].

We must not forget, as well, the utter fruitless linking of the most common quest items in order for people to give the loot linker praise; we’re talking of the most common of common items, the items that unless they are somehow levelling their character whilst being entirely unaware of their surroundings (actually, we’ll meet examples of these in some of the deeper circles of the inferno), every single player has gained at some time during their adventuring career.

“Hey I just got [The 10,000th Most Common Potato of Extremely Common Ancestry. All Exactly Like This One].”

And there is silence. And more silence. And yet someone, somewhere, feels the need to acknowledge the loot linker. Ohttre (God of Bewilderment) knows why, but they do.


And of course, that is the straw that engulfed the camel in a ten megaton atomic explosion and five hundred year nuclear winter.

“Thanks! I’ve been wanting [link] for a while because my [link] is getting old, but I’ll soon be able to get [link] or [link] or [link] or [link], but then I’ll need to change my [link] and [link] so that they’re comparable, otherwise I probably won’t be able to go to Linkville and get my [link] or link my link link [link] linking [link] link linky linkety [link] link linky link link [link] link link…”

Predictably, it goes downhill from there.

And the moral of the story is: don’t acknowledge your indefatigable loot linkers.

Actually the moral is: always hurt, with extreme prejudice, all known indefatigable loot linkers. However, in case you’re too decent a soul to do so, never fear, as this terrace of punishment will be here, waiting for them.

As we move on – move along at the back, keep up! – I will just briefly point out to you the linked (just my little joke, there) terrace next door to the one we have recently visited, the protractedly named ‘The terrace for those people who feel the need to shout “DING!” in the server global channel so that every player is fully informed of the fact that this person has finally achieved the near-insurmountable task of reaching second level.’

Sinners beware!

The terraces: The terrace for the patently manifest.

As we make our way on to the third circle of questing, let us take a brief diversion and look in on the first terrace of punishment that can be easily observed. Terraces are dotted here and there about the nine circles, and are areas of special punishment for those chief protagonists that are in abundant evidence within the nine circles.
Ah, and so we arrive.

The patently manifest.

Please note the sign on the wall outside the entrance: ‘Herein are punished those who state the bleeding obvious’, and the small sign beneath: ‘Note: If you state the bleeding obvious, you’ll be punished in here. Ow! Please not the fire! Aiiiieeee!’. Amazing how the sign maker managed to articulate his screaming agony on the sign, no?

There are many sinners being punished and tortured in the most inventive manner imaginable in this terrace, but we shall focus on a particular one, the person who shouts “Heal me!” at healer classes.

If you’ve played a healer class, it’s guaranteed that you’ve met this sinner on your travels. They’re the person who, at the least convenient and most stupid time, whisper, say or broadcast on all known communication channels and radio frequencies that now is the time for you to devote your time to restoring their rapidly diminishing health levels because, frankly, they’re more important than everybody else.

This is irritating on so many levels that they had to invent twenty seven new levels to encompass it all; it was during this time that they also found the long lost 14th level of irritation which had somehow got stuck down the back of Melmoth’s sofa next to a boiled sweet and six pence in loose change.

There’s nothing worse than having fought your way into the depths of some dungeon, having survived numerous encounters with multiple groups of aggressors and come out relatively unscathed, than to have someone holler ‘Heal meh!!1’ when you get in to a sticky situation and their health gets somewhere below the 50% mark. Just so that you sinners can try to understand, the conversation – IF WE WEREN’T SO GOD DAMN BUSY HEALING YOUR SORRY ARSES – would probably go a little something like this:

Sinner: “Heal meh!!11”

Saint: “What?”

Sinner: “Heal pls”

Saint: “I’m gob smacked. Heal you, you say? Me? A healer? With my reputation? Well, I don’t know, it’s such a radical proposal that I’ll have to mull that one over for, oh, until the rest of your health expires, I would imagine”

Sinner: “But I need healz!!11”

Saint: “Yes. Yes you do. Quite badly, in fact, seeing as you’re taking such punishment from that mob there. The question is, how am I supposed to know this?”

Sinner: “Wuh?”

Saint: “I mean. As a healer, I’m busy over here writing a thesis on the subjugation of women being rooted in the patterns of economic exploitation. Not to mention the sheer amount of laundry I have to get through, do you know how difficult it is to get Felblood out of Mooncloth? There’re some interesting botanical specimens over here that I need to catalogue, and I’ve also got the biggest booger up my nose and it’s going to take me a good half an hour with my eyes squeezed closed in concentration to work that little sucker out. So, bearing in mind how incredibly busy I am, it’s a miracle that we made it this far into the instance, really, what with me being the only healer. I can only imagine that some form of divine intervention, some celestial cosmic event occurred over the past eleven battles that enabled the entire party to emerge from the fight relatively unscathed. I mean IT’S NOT AS THOUGH I’M SITTING BACK HERE, ALL DAY, EVERY DAY, STARING AT YOUR HEALTH BARS AND PLAYING HEALTH-BAR-WHACK-A-HEAL AND NOTHING ELSE. IT’S NOT AS IF MY ENTIRE PURPOSE IS TO KEEP YOU ALIVE, AND THAT, CONSIDERING THAT I AM PLAYING A HEALING CLASS, SPECCED FOR HEALING, WEARING HEALING GEAR, WITH A DEGREE IN HEALING FROM THE GRAND ALL-HEALING UNIVERSITY OF HEALING, I MIGHT, MAYBE, JUST PER CHANCE, BE QUITE AWARE OF WHAT THE HEALTH OF MY PARTY IS, AND WHO NEEDS HEALING AT ANY PARTICULAR TIME.”

Sinner: “Buh my health woz low”

Saint: “Did you die”

Sinner: “Well it looked as thou…”

Saint: “DID. YOU. DIE?”

Sinner: “No.”

Saint: “And do you know why you didn’t die?”

Sinner: “Bec…”

Saint: “RHETORICAL QUESTION. It was because you were healed. By the healer. Because that’s the healer’s job. That’s me, by the way.”

Sinner: “Buh my health woz real low”

Saint: “Well I’m sorry.”

Sinner: “It’s alri…”

Saint: “SARCASM. Just because your health gets low, does not mean that I’ve run off to finish my thesis, or to find a place to wipe that booger because I don’t want to get it on my robe. I haven’t suddenly forgotten where I am, and what class I play. It may just be that the fight is a tough one, and that there is someone who is a higher priority than you who needs healing. You’ll get your turn. And if you don’t, there was a damn good reason why, and think yourself lucky that I’m here to resurrect you.”

Sinner: “I woz just sayin”

Saint: “Why? WHY?! Why are you so special that you feel the need to point this out to me? Do I tell you what to do? Do I? Do I tell you to “Swing your sword!”, “Use your combat abilities to do damage!”, “Attack the mobs!”, “Cast magical spells to the detriment of our enemies!”.”

Sinner: “No…”

Saint: “No. No I don’t. But I should, because then maybe, just maybe, you’d begin to understand what it’s like.”

** Sinner dies **

Sinner: “Rez pliz”

Saint: “Can anybody here resurrect?”

Sinner “You can”

Saint: “Anybody? No? Shame, we’ll have to leave Sir StatestheObvious behind.”

Sinner: “But u can rez. Hello? Hello?”

And so we continue on our journey, with the faint call of “Pliz, I need rez. And maybe some gold.” fading away to nothing as we leave the sinners of this terrace to their eternal punishment, too grisly to describe here, but well deserved all the same.