Killed in a Smiling Accident.

Badadadadada dum dum dum dadada daa daaa dum dum daaaaaaaaa! There’ve been literally some messages to the KiaSA team and not a single one of them demanded the return of Hat News Now Today, so we packed our correspondent off to some backwater of the galaxy and ignored him. Nevertheless he kept sending back holocrons for publication that were transported across the galaxy in the blink of an eye before sitting in a depot near Weston-super-Mare for a couple of weeks and finally turning up, squashed through the letterbox at the office with a ripped corner, so we thought we might as well run them.

This week we’re looking at the early-to-mid level headgear available to an Imperial Agent in Star Wars: The Old Republic. Our model, Agent Bowie-Numan, styled himself on early New Wave synth-rock, mid-period Ziggy Stardust, Ben Stiller in Zoolander, and finding a “complexion” option during character creation that looked like a touch of lip-gloss and some eye-liner. He apologises for some of the poor lighting conditions, as he was taking the pictures during a bit of downtime while infiltrating a rebel base and the flash would’ve been a bit of a giveaway.  On with the hats…

Upon first glance the Chief Editor dismissed this initial submission out of hand, assuming Agent Bowie-Numan was simply flaunting the favoured accessory of sports stars and Cyberman impersonators, a set of Beats by Darth Dre headphones, and forwarded the shot to our sister team at Headphone and Earpiece Weekly. The Chief Sub-Editor vigorously disagreed, insisting that it was something worn on the head, and thus a hat. The Sub-Chief Editor angrily pointed out the lack of crown or brim, while the Sub-Chief Sub-Editor sided with the Chief Sub-Editor, plunging the office into the worst chaos and discord since The Great LotRO Tiara And Circlet Schism. A lengthy series of arbitration meetings concluded with the warring factions agreeing to rename “Hat News Now Today” to “Items Placed in a MMOG Head Slot News Now Today”, though nobody could find the Tipp-Ex to amend the headed stationery, and then it was lunchtime and everyone forgot about it due to a fierce debate over salted vs dry roast peanuts down the pub. As for the headgear itself, nobody was quite certain if the main purpose was to protect the jaw from quite specific attacks, to make talking more difficult, or to keep the ears warm.

 

Another piece vindicating the decision to move away from the strict “hat” focus. Not really an Agent item due to the stats, but appreciated by the panel for its pilot’s oxygen mask inspired styling, isn’t it? Isn’t it, though. Standard.

 

At last, an undisputed hat (or helmet) (some Venn diagramming may be needed.) Presumably an ancestor of the Scout trooper helmet, suitably Imperial, but could do with a bit of a face mask to be more ominous.

 

Agent Bowie-Numan spoke particularly highly of this piece, hoping it might lead to a guest spot playing a synthesiser with Orbital at Glastobury.

 

Still with the jaw protection; could it be a design fault with the riding position on speeder bikes that caused a rash of troopers being hospitalised with badly bruised chins before new headgear was issued?

 

Finally for this update, Imperial formal headwear, also known as “The original series Doctor Who Time Lord fancy dress hat”. Not strictly designed for combat, being a piece of social armour, but nonetheless tremendous fun to wear while adventuring just to see if NPCs can keep a straight face when giving you missions. So far the famed Imperial discipline is really holding up, as not a single person (or droid) has started a conversation with “What the hell have you got on your head?”

What with m’colleague lamenting the dearth of decent headwear in current MMOs, I thought I’d proffer a suggestion for future implementation. Exhibit A, over to the right there, is Madame A.T. Rowley’s Toilet Mask, a splendid example of a bonce bonnet I’m sure you’ll agree. Also known as the ‘face glove’ (look for ‘finger hats’ and ‘toe scarves’ in Madame Rowley’s Autumn collection), this article of crazy cranial apparel is sure to modify the stats of your character, although for the moment we’re not entirely sure how.

And since we’re talking about the cutting edge in MMO outfits and tailoring, how about W.P. Stockbridge’s Ermyntrude over there to the left? Admittedly it is highly irregular to see a female character in an MMO with no body flesh on display whatsoever, but we think the advantages far outweigh the detrimental side-effect of not looking like a pre-pubescent walking advert for porn-inspired cosmetic surgery and body modification.

Not only does the wonderful dress add ten extra item slots to your character’s inventory what with all that additional storage space at the rear (enough to smuggle a Tauren past the Alliance-Horde border guard), but it also transforms your character into a 350% speed mount capable of carrying two additional riders!

Never underestimate the power of Victorian invention to transform the lives of MMO characters for the better. Have a look for yourselves, and see all the exciting new possibilities for livening up arsey armour and humdrum hats through the viewport of Victorian advertising!

Hat News Now Today would like to apologise for the deeply lacking hat news coverage recently, but though some games have offered some moderately diverting millinery nothing has really captivated. Until this week’s session of Dungeons and Dragons Online, that is, when Melmoth spotted something in the DDO store. A cosmetic top hat, no less, that changes the appearance of your head gear.

Be warned, though! Such dapper head adornments can lead to spontaneous terpsichorean outbreaks:

Of course the entire guild promptly donned toppers for perhaps the most stylish ever dungeon delve (our photographer apologises for not catching the entire guild in a shot, and for forgetting to turn the game interface off leading to the somewhat unfortunate beheading)

Badadadadada dum dum dum dadada daa daaa dum dum daaaaaaaaa! Back, by popular demand, it’s Hat News Now Today, today’s premier column focused, now, on news about hats. Everybody’s been talking about Dragon Age: Origins, about the story, the world, the characters, but they’ve been strangely quiet about one thing: why was Kleist’s armour halted outside Dunkirk on May 24th? Nobody really knows, and frankly it’s slightly outside our hat-based remit, so lets get on with the headgear in the early stages Dragon Age.

Firstly, it’s good news if you’re a strapping great warrior type who likes to wander around in hunks of metal:

There’s some nice plate helms which go with some pretty stylish suits of armour that convey strength, menace and protection.

For those of you who prefer leather, key words this fall are “functional”, “drab”, “bowl” and “remember those really boring helmets from Age of Conan?”

You might have thought exotic Bards could get togged up in something suitable for entertaining, or lethal Assassins might have some ninja-esque gear for infiltration, but if you haven’t got the strength to carry off (in either sense) heavy armour it’s a world of leathery disappointment, summed up by helmets that are thankfully automatically hidden in cut scenes.

Still, you can always comfort yourself that you’re not a mage:

On the plus side it’s going to keep your ears warm when stuck on a mountain side, though in Morrigan’s case the ears would be the last thing you’d think would feel the cold…