The Shepard Brothers Save the Galaxy

Confirmation of some form of multiplayer component in Mass Effect 3 is prompting feverish speculation. How can Bioware possibly explain three Commanders, all called Shepard? We might just have the answer in these exclusively fabricated scenes that certainly won’t appear in Mass Effect 3: Salarian Crackers:

[Opening scenes of the game]

The Illusive Man: We’re at war. No one wants to admit it but Humanity’s under attack. Three very specific men might be all that stands between Humanity and the greatest threat of our brief existence. We need three leaders, and we need to surround them with the brightest, the toughest, the deadliest allies we can find. The team will have to be strong, their resolve unquestionable.

Commander Groucho Shepard: Well that covers a lot of ground. Say, you cover a lot of ground yourself.

Commander Chico Shepard: What has a trunk, but no key, weighs 2,000 pounds and lives in a circus?

The Illusive Man: That’s irrelevant.

Chico Shepard: Irrelephant? Hey, that’sa that answer. There’s a whole lot of irrelephants in the circus.

Commander Harpo Shepard: HONK!

Miranda Lawson: Please, Shepard. Shepards. I know you distrust this organisation but you must believe me, Cerberus is dedicated to the cause of Humanity.

Chicho Shepard: Cerberus? Cerberus up some lemonade, maybe we can talk.

Harpo Shepard: HONK!

Groucho Shepard: Why, you’re the most beautiful NPC I’ve ever seen, and that’s not saying much for you. Will you marry me? Do you have any side quests with good rewards? Answer the second question first.

Chicho Shepard: And-a marry me as well!

Miranda Lawson: I can’t marry both of you, that’s bigamy.

Groucho Shepard: Yes, and it’s big of me too!

Harpo Shepard: HONK!

[The Shepards and Miranda are pinned down by enemy fire while investigating a research facility]

Groucho Shepard: Hello, Normandy? Three men and one woman are trapped in this building. Send help at once! If you can’t send help, send two more women! No good, they’re not receiving. Someone has to flank those heavy weapons and take them out.

Chico Shepard: I wouldn’t go out there unless I was in one of those big iron things, go up and down like this… What do you call-a those things?

Miranda: Tanks.

Chico Shepard: You’re welcome.

Harpo Shepard: HONK!

[The Shepards confront the gravest threat the galaxy has ever seen]

Reaper: We are legion. The time of our return is coming. Our numbers will darken the sky of every world. You cannot escape your doom. You cannot even destroy any part of us.

Groucho Shepard: Oh yeah? One morning I shot a Reaper in my pyjamas. How it got in my pyjamas, I don’t know.

Reaper: My kind transcends your very understanding. We are each a nation – independent, free of all weakness. You cannot grasp the nature of our existence.

Groucho Shepard: Yes I can, you’re just some alien vessel.

Chicho Shepard: An alien what?

Groucho Shepard: Not an alien what, an alien vessel. Don’t you know what vessel is?

Chicho Shepard: Sure I can vessel!
[Starts whistling]

Harpo Shepard: HONK!

6 thoughts on “The Shepard Brothers Save the Galaxy

  1. Bronte

    The Shepards giving their final speech to the crew before the big pull.

    Groucho Shepard: This isn’t just a fight for our lives, this is a fight for the existence of our very species.

    Chico Shepard: I don’t think you need to use the word “very” in there.

    Harpo Shepard: HONK!

    Croucho Shepard: Make that noise again and I will make you toss a Geth salad.

    Chico Shepard: Mmm tossing a Geth salad.

    Groucho Shepard: What?

    Chico Shepard: Uh, nothing!

    Groucho Shepard: As I was saying, this is a fight for our existence as a species. They may take our lives, but they may never take our freedom. We will fight them on the land, in the sea, in the air, in space. THIS IS SPARTA!

    Harpo Shepard: Alright, even I know you pilfered that entire monologue. Such anachronistic statements only serve to amalgamate my feelings of intense, fiery wrath towards you with my undying belief that you are have the wits of a half-dead sloth, inherently cursed with perpetual stupidity.


    Chico Shepard: Hey man I thought you were from Texas or something.

  2. Jonathan B

    Enjoyed your Marx brothers shtick!

    As for the actual implementation of this, I think the best comments on that story were the ones suggesting there’s a lot of room for co-op side stories. Or even versus side stories, as far as that goes.

    After all, Mass Effect 1 included a lot of side missions that did little more than generate news reports in the game but allowed you to gain XP and expand your experience of the universe. With a massive intergalactic war, there’s no reason they couldn’t implement side missions in both planetside and fleet battles if they wished, as multiplayer elements that might generate news stories for your Sheppard to hear in the single-player. They could even have some effects on NPCs you talk to in-game, without making whether or not you do them too big an impact.

  3. Jim

    Sadly, Shepard will not be playable in multiplayer. We will be able to choose our avatar from a gallery of commandos.

    Sad, really. I had a vision of a future world “Meeting John Malchovich” and it was making me smile.

  4. Zoso Post author

    @Jonathan B Good point, we (and many others!) have commented on some of the bizarrely trivial tasks that RPG characters can embark on when the world/galaxy/universe is apparently in urgently mortal danger, spreading things out over multiple characters could be a good way of expanding available content without diluting a central story too much.

    @Jim That would’ve been great…
    “Shepard shepard shepard shepard shepard?”

  5. Pardoz

    It’s rather a pity – multiple Shepards might have provided a good explanation for how so many stores came to be Shepard’s favourite on the Citadel.

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