Mr Bigger, whatever are you doing down there?

I hopped in to Age of Conan: Unchained over the weekend, the now free-to-play version of Funcom’s fantasy frolic through Robert E. Howard’s world of brawn, beasts and breasts. With the release of this edition of their game, Funcom have decided to make it unrated, which thus allowed them to fully expand on the latter of that troika of fantasy staples. And when I say ‘fully expand’ I am being literal:

Apart from the fact that either some enterprising soul in Aquilonia has invented both silicon and a way to implant it into female breasts, or a Stygian teenager found an interesting new use for the Dark Arts while furiously practising with his magic wand in his bedroom, there’s also the splendidly ridiculous innuendo-laden increase to a male character’s ‘size’, where one assumes that it actually changes height, and not length or girth as the text might lead one to believe.

Age of Conan? Carry On Conan more like. Hopefully they’ll add a Kenneth Williams-esque ‘Ooooo, matron’ emote, which would, admittedly, be a strong contender to take the crown from our long term favourite.

Funcom are also taking the prestige cosmetic MMO mount to new levels:

Yes, yours for only 1100 Funcom points, or about $10, is a virtual prostitute! A cosmetic pet in every sense of the phrase. There’s also a priestess for 2100 points, but I’d watch out for those high class ones because they expect you to take them to the opera and buy them dinner in an expensive restaurant as a bare minimum before they give you their bear minimum, and where are you going to find a staging of Der Ring des Nibelungen in Age of Conan anyway?

Still, Sparkle Pony hasn’t got anything on Slapper Priestess.

Of course Anarchy Online has had a perfectly normal Funcom-Points-powered store for a good long while now, so Age of Conan’s slightly (im)mature cash shop is not necessarily a sign of things to come. Regardless though, I couldn’t help but wonder how they intend to monetize their forthcoming supernatural MMO The Secret World, and whether it too would offer options via an in-game store:

The Secret World. Let me tell you the great secret of the world, honey. The secret is… [waves you in closer] the secret is… in my underpants. I’ve got your secrets right here, baby. Yes, find out all the secrets of my underpants, unlock my deep dark treasure, for just 2500 Funcom Points!

Of course it would obviously help if that was delivered by a buxom young lady in tight leather, rather than the craggy bearded geriatric old man in a crusty pee-stained bathrobe that I was picturing.

13 thoughts on “Mr Bigger, whatever are you doing down there?

  1. Melmoth Post author

    Y’know I forgot to check, I was too busy trying to grab a quick screenshot and then log the heck out before I found the virtual vibrators.

    Virtual vicars would be excellent though, especially if we could also purchase the More Tea? emote.

  2. Zoso

    Another missed opportunity for the expansion title, Age of Conan: Vicars and Tarts.

    Could make for an interesting Thought for the Day; “And really… uh… isn’t that… uh… what Jesus said? Ah, yeah, oh yeah… love thy… uh huh, uh huh… neighbour?”

  3. Heph

    You must have tea and cake with the pleasure priest or… Eep! Actually I don’t want to finish that sentence.

  4. Hugh Hancock

    Oh dear god. If I ever see the phrase “Funcom breaks new bounds in haptic feedback technology”, I’m –

    Well, OK, let’s be honest, I’m clicking on that badboy right then and there, and then laughing my ass off at the videos.

  5. Heph

    Shamelessly stolen from a colleague:

    “Conan, what is best in life?”
    “Pleasure priestesses of Ishtar. As many as you can carry!”

  6. darkeye

    Bigger muscles and package, that the kind of fluff that I can get behind, it does give the companion pet a whole new meaning, I’m surprised there’s not been more of a fuss about it, though they did rush it through so expecting the MMO community response anytime now.

    I’m disappointed with the AoC F2P offerings in general, been trying to get a handle on things from the official forums, but I’m going to go with a cynical response: ‘let’s go F2P and get more people in the game’, was a cover for ‘let’s introduce a cash shop to sell ‘pleasure priestesses’ and get more money out of our current subscribers’, see that’s a better way than how CCP did it in EVE recently.

  7. SKapusniak

    Never let it be said that Funcom doesn’t heed complaints that Age of Conan is lacking in ‘non-combat’ content…


    It’s the whole multiple price-point thing that really boggling my mind, I mean…just…what!?!

  8. SKapusniak

    Also, I am desolated to discover there appear not only to be no male versions — with or without cake, tea, or high position in the Church of England — but there’s also no cash shop item to remove the limit of ‘only one pet or companion may be active at any one time’.

    I think they’ve really missed a trick there :)

  9. Straw Fellow

    Yaknow…I think its hilarious. If people want to buy these things, by all means let them. It is an unrated game after all, and they’ve got enough in the violence department. It’s only natural for them to compensate with more sex.

    That being said, I’m curious if anyone would buy these and create an in-game bordello…

  10. nugget

    Zomg, I didn’t read the rest of the post, but now I am at work, on a Mac, with a raging desire for a pleasure priestess!


    I’m actually tempted to check AoC out now…

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