TERA Patch Notes.

Having read a little more around the topic of TERA recently, browsed the website and watched some promotional videos, we thought we’d have a quick guess at what the next set of TERA patch notes might say:

o Fixed an issue with the camera not pointing up a female character’s skirt by default.

o Added seven new moody frowns to the male face selection menu.

o Increased female character grunting by 50% while in combat.

o Improved the knicker-elastic physics engine.

o Updated Popori lore description to some half-baked waffle. Removed the ‘See if we can get away with pseudo-bestiality in our Mature Nudge Nudge Wink Wink MMO’ placeholder. Still trying to remember why it seemed like a good idea to name a race after some smelly stuff in a bowl.

o Added six additional cup sizes to the breast slider in character creation (JJJ through Q).

o Added new food buff items: Banana, Cucumber, several varieties of Sausage, Cadbury’s Flake. Characters have a 30 second languorous eating animation when activated.

o Removed unnecessary articles of clothing for female character models.

o Male character jawbones are now 20% more David Coulthard.

o Adjusted female caster animations so that they involve a greater percentage of bending over and touching toes while holding a finger to pursed lips.

o Increased quest diversity. Now only 84% of quests involve saving a damsel in distress who then wishes to “show you her gratitude”.

o NPCs now correctly cry “Oh, Matron!” when female Castanics wield a staff.

o Re-worked crafting tutorial for carpentry as it involved insufficient innuendo about getting wood.

o Seven Year Itch wind physics is now enabled in the latest build.

o Polearms now correctly reclassified as pole-dancing-arms.
  Glaive-glaive-glaive-guisarme-glaive-thong-rack-bardiche is now properly tasselled.

o Introduced action-appropriate music including the main “bow-chikka-wow-wow” theme.

o Tightened-up male character buttocks.

o Removed the Slavering Phallic Tongue Beasts of Tentaclon IV as an NPC race because they were a bit obvious, even for us.

o Male character neck veins should now throb properly when posing and flexing. Players can now turn off leg armour in the options menu in order to show other throbbing vein.

o The bras of female Archers now correctly ping-off every time they draw their bows.

11 thoughts on “TERA Patch Notes.

  1. Melmoth Post author

    @wilhelm2451: Great heckling. Predictable though. I mean, utterly predictable. I even asked m’colleague whether we should put a comment in showing we knew it was coming.

    Because, I mean, this is *exactly* like reporting on an MMO that’s in beta and has no NDA, in a fashion that might influence other people’s opinion on the viability of the game, while wilding veering from frothing fanboyism to raging hater in the space of a couple of posts.

    It’s definitely not a bit of satirical humour aimed at their current marketing strategy. No, sir.

    If you wanted to win some sort of point, you can have it. Add it to the huge pile of points in the ‘Why we can’t have nice things on the Internet’ pot.

    @Stabs: Ta muchly!

  2. ffox

    hehe, thumbs up for that – a thorough and factual treatment ;)

    i think marketing being marketing is overemphasizing all sexual aspects, but seriously though, i tried the game in the korean beta and it was pretty good – even the duly ridiculous stylistic of all asian-market games didn’t bother me that much in Tera

    waiting for the tests and open beta later this year

  3. Melmoth Post author

    i think marketing being marketing is overemphasizing all sexual aspects

    Indeed, I think this is the crux of it.

    There’s no intended commentary on the game itself here, other than it seems to have a bunch of randy marmots for a marketing department.

    I’ll be interested to hear reports of the game when it goes into beta, hopefully down-to-earth reports that explain how the action-orientated combat works, what the UI is like, how questing is performed (is it standard quest hubs, or do they do something different?)

    There’re indeed a wealth of facts that bloggers can really dig into and thus explain how things work, over and above what we see in the promotional videos, which are generally limited by time and subject, and in the case of TERA, the gaps between gratuitous boob shots.

  4. Caspian

    So it’s not a game for *everyone* then?

    Although I think they’ve missed a trick: ‘Glaive-glaive-glaive-guisarme-glaive-thong-rack-bardiche is now properly tasselled.’

    Can you imagine how great it would be to have ‘Tasselcraft*’ as a crafting profession? You’d have to collect sequins, bits of glitter-thread and adhesives from undead belly-dancers before crafting it into the biggest tassels imaginable – There could be tassel wars, where teams of dancers compete, swaying provocatively at each other…

    Oh dear, I think the TERA marketing may have gotten to me, I’m off for a lie down!

    *Typing that word made me realise how much I enjoyed Dragonlance many years ago, which kinda got me into this whole shebang to begin with (along with JRRT, obv.)


  5. Zoso

    Tasselcraft, brilliant! Would also allow for a future patch note:
    “- Increased number of mammarian tassel mount points for Popori from two to six”

  6. wilhelm2451

    @melmoth – You have either completely misconstrued my comment, which I meant in complete support of this post, or your satire has reached such a level of subtlety that mere mortals like myself can no longer discern it.

  7. Eliot

    Except that the in-game graphics seem to have also been designed by aforementioned randy marmots. I can’t say I’ve much faith in avoiding a tour of fantasy through the lens of, once again, randy marmots.

    Today’s captcha: “Frucking.” Ahem.

  8. Melmoth Post author

    @wilhelm2451: After the discussion from the previous day’s post it was, perhaps unfortunately, very easy to misconstrue your comment. I would say that I am not alone in having interpreted it so. Having said that, if you claim that it is indeed the case – and I can now see another way to interpret it (albeit terribly subtle, so perhaps it is I who cannot discern your level of subtlety) – then I must, and do, apologise.

    Unfortunately, the tone in which I took it is of the sort that pushes all the worst buttons in me.

    @Eliot: Yet, here’s a snippet from the latest Guild Wars 2 entry on Humans:

    “I would like to say a quick word about where we stand when it comes to the “sexiness” of our armors and costumes. This is a controversial subject that I encounter frequently on forums and message boards—not just about Guild Wars, but about a lot of games. I understand that many players feel that armor should be practical, realistic, and shouldn’t leave skin exposed to attack. When coming up with ideas for armor, the character and concept department try to balance the practical with the fantasy. We make armor that looks protective and functional, but we also make armor that looks sexy and shows a generous level of strategically placed skin. We recognize the “fantasy” aspect of our game; if you are able to rain down balls of fire from the sky, your clothing should not be a factor when it comes to body temperature, whether you are wearing your underwear or a fur coat. We’ve always intended to create outfits for male and female characters that are appealing and attractive without making our players feel uncomfortable about what their character or other player-characters are wearing. I think that Guild Wars has been very successful in this regard, and we will continue to make outfits that adhere to this philosophy.”

    I haven’t seen much from the Guild Wars 2 promotional videos that particularly gives this impression, so perhaps ArenaNet’s marketing department is attempting to be more reserved in this regard?

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