In the beginning God created a new map.

And the earth was without form, and void; and so God punched a tree to get some wood. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters looking for a coal deposit.

And God placed the coal on a stick and said, ‘Let there be light’ and there was light.

And God saw the light, that it was good: and God divided the light from the darkness by digging a hole in a cliff and crafting a door.

And the evening and the morning were the first day.

And God said, ‘Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters.’

And God placed blocks of soil, and divided the waters which were under the firmament from the waters which were above the firmament: and it looked quite cool.

And God called the firmament his house. And the evening and the morning were the second day.

And God said, ‘Let the waters under the home be gathered together unto one place, and let the dry land appear’: and he frantically placed blocks of stone in order to stop the water filling up his house.

And God called the dry land ‘thank fuck for that’; and the gathering together of the waters called ‘stupid leaks’: and God saw that it was good, but could probably do with some lava.

And God said, ‘Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit after his kind, whose seed is in itself, upon the earth’: but it was a multiplayer server, and this was alpha, so none of that was implemented yet.

And the evening and the morning were the third day.

And God made two great lights; the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night: but he wasn’t fooling anyone with a couple of burning blocks of wood.

And the evening and the morning were the fourth day.

And God said, ‘Let the waters bring forth abundantly the moving creature that hath life, and fowl that may fly above the earth in the open firmament of heaven, so that I may chop them up for eggs and feathers.’

And God blessed them, saying, ‘Be fruitful, and multiply, and fill the waters in the seas, and let fowl multiply in the earth.’ But he forgot to put up a fence and they all disappeared by the morning.

And the evening and the morning were the fifth day.

And God said, ‘Let the earth bring forth the living creature after his kind, cattle, and creeping thing, and beast of the earth after his kind’: and it was so. And the creeping things came in the night and exploded, destroying half the side of his house. And God was pissed.

And God made the beast of the earth after his kind, and cattle after their kind, and every thing that creepeth upon the earth after his kind: and God saw that it was good. He chopped them all up for resources, and ate bacon while putting the final stitches in his leather armour.

And God said, ‘Behold, I have gathered every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; for me it shall be for meat. And to every beast of the earth, and to every fowl of the air, and to every thing that creepeth upon the earth, wherein there is life, I have chopped it up and made something useful with it, or had a good meal.

And the evening and the morning were the sixth day, and his wife shouted down the stairs to stop playing goddamn Minecraft and come to bed.

And he muttered that she shouldn’t blaspheme his name. And God saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very good.

And reluctantly he logged off.