Beware of short balding men in red robes.

“Fear not Ranger; Barbarian; Magician; Thief; Cavalier and Acrobat!”

So says the Dungeon Master in the title sequence for Dungeons & Dragons the animated TV series.

Of course anyone who has played an MMO will instantly recognise that the appearance of the short, wizened and kindly old man festooned in his rich red robes was merely an illusion and that he was evidently a sick and vicious sadist who got off on the pain and suffering of children; it’s probably a fair guess that he and his son, Venger, were actually working together all along, and that the realm in which they dwelled was merely a labyrinthine torture chamber for the young.

I mean, one tank, five DPS and no healer? It’s a party composition straight out of Hideously Doomed To Fail PuGs 101.

No wonder those poor kids never made it home.

5 thoughts on “Beware of short balding men in red robes.

  1. Melmoth Post author

    Ever noticed how the unicorn runs to Dungeon Master whenever he turns up? Receiving new instructions. Yeah.

    Never trust a healing henchman, that’s what I say.

    In other thoughts:

    “And what do you bring to the party, Acrobat?”

    “Well, uh, I can leap small chasms, assuming they’re no more than ten feet deep. And, uh… I can hit things with my magical extending stick that are… well, at least several feet a away!”

    “Great. Almost as useful as making the eight year old child a berserking combat rhinoceros. Should make puberty a REAL delight.”

  2. Brian 'Psychochild' Green

    I suspect the lack of a priest was to avoid the “Dey’s maykin’ mah kids to wirship da SATANS!” backlash as much as that was possible.

    Anyway, I’m of moderate height and rarely wear red. You can trust me. ;)

  3. Melmoth Post author

    Topical! Considering we’ve just passed “Dey’s maykin’ mah kids to wirship da SATANS!” day.

    Incidentally, my costume this year was ‘lawyer’, and every time I answered the door I told them that I was going to sue them for attempting to extort candy with menaces. Scariest Halloween ever, although it was mainly the parents who cried this time.

    “You can trust me.”

    I’m not sure, I heard somewhere that you developed MMOs…

  4. Caspian

    I particularly liked the way that Venger had researched a variant of the ‘Magic Missile’ spell that always missed…

    I’d want my money back on that bat guano if it was me…

Comments are closed.