December; Christmas fast approaches, and a young man’s mind turns to stockings, roasting nuts and steaming slabs of meat being shoved into eager waiting mouths.
It may well be a time to feast and make merry but it is, unfortunately, not traditionally a time to sit quietly in peace, and blog about games that you haven’t been playing because you’ve been out shopping for the hundredth time trying to find the right colour socks for old uncle Bodger.
So apologies for the lack of updates this month, normal service will hopefully resume in the new year.
In the meantime, we’ve decided to do what every entertainment medium does around Christmas: harp on about the past year, and run repeats.
So without further ado, we’ve been through the logs for kiasa.org for the past (most of a) year and picked out our favourite search terms that have led to the site, the first batch of which follow for your reading delectation:
“all the thing druids can turn into”
Melmoth: So many druids in so many games, but the druid I know – the World of Warcraft one – can turn into a bear, a cat, a different cat, a freaky looking seal, a bird, and potentially an owlkin or a tree. Despite popular belief, they do not, however, turn in to articulated lorries, ambulances or Volkswagen Beetles, and hence telling a druid to “transform and roll out” will normally earn you a sharp claw to the gluteus maximus.
Zoso: When is a Druid not a Druid? When it turns into a side street! Wait, I think I told it wrong…
“discovery channel shapeshifters”
Melmoth: To the best of my knowledge there are no creatures who can transform themselves into the discovery channel.
“far cry 2 can you get killed by hippos”
Melmoth: Definitely. Watch out for their snipers, hippos are notorious fat lazy campers.
“friend not wanting me to touch them”
Melmoth: Are you hoping that we can perhaps give you advice on how to touch your friend without their knowing it? Or advice on how to persuade them to let you touch them, maybe? Have you tried washing your hands? Have you tried not touching yourself first?
“gaming peed himself”
Zoso: Surely lesson number one of end game raiding is the empty coke bottle, no?
Melmoth: I like the way they changed ‘myself’ to ‘himself’ to cover their tracks. “Yeah, it was my buddy. Really. I’m just searching on the Internet for anti-pee advice because I’m a concerned friend”. Uh huh.
“great adventure in getting killed”
Melmoth: Yes, that can certainly be the case. We all love great adventure, not so hot on the getting killed part, though.
“guitar hero aerosmith guitar limited edition bundle ps2”
Melmoth: But does it have a guitar?
“ironbreaker helmet and hair”
Melmoth: Helmet hair is a nightmare for Ironbreakers, I can only recommend a very good hair gel, or a short-crop hairstyle.
“scariest nutters in england”
Melmoth: Google’s search engine is really quite eerily accurate.
Zoso: I don’t know about “scariest”, though, I mean there’s Nutter “Scary” Bates, Scariest Nutter (East Sussex Regional Winner 1986 – 2004) for a start. And Geoffrey Howe.
“dwarf ironbreaker good levelers?”
Zoso: I’m afraid not, no, they really don’t have a strong position on suffrage or religious toleration.
Melmoth: A wimple is worn on the head at all times. It is only worn around the bottom at certain exclusive gentlemen’s clubs in London.
“world of warcraft accidents”
Melmoth: I think this is just ‘gaming peed himself’ trying a different tack.
Melmoth: Yes he is. He’s also a member of a wandering troupe of chartered surveyors, a former Ravenmaster and the current Easter Bunny.
“catherine tate illuminati”
Melmoth: The Catherine Tate Illuminati are a highly overrated and publicly over exposed sub-branch of the Illuminati.
Zoso: I don’t believe they’re bovvered, though.
“dungeons and dragons item straight jacket”
Zoso: I think he means straitjacket. Unless 4e has really expanded item classifications to include sexuality.
Melmoth: Generally worn by any dungeon master who has tried to run a game with Zoso and myself as player characters.
“free online man and woman dating”
Zoso: You’ll be wanting the bi jacket.