Hush, and venture in quietly dear reader, you have stumbled upon Melmoth as he rests his weary head and escapes from the troubles of the world. However, through the magic of modern day blog technomagy we can, unseen, ride pillion upon his very thoughts. Hark and listen, as we travel through the dark pits of his maladjusted mind:
<Wobbly wavy dream sequence>
Examiner: “Mr Wimplebottom?”
Mr Wimplebottom: “Yes, that’s me.”
Examiner: “Hello, I am to be the examiner for your test, are you ready to go?”
Mr Wimplebottom: “Ah, er, yes, I think so.”
Examiner: “Very well, if you’ll follow me outside and we’ll get underway shall we?”
Examiner: “Right, Mr Wimplebottom, before we get underway I just need to take you through a few formalities.”
Examiner: “You are Clarence Aubrey Wimplebottom of 23a Cuckfock Lane, Fartingberry?”
Wimplebottom: “Yes, that’s me.”
Examiner: “Excellent. And you are aware that it is a criminal offence under article 3.14 of the Muhmohway Code to undertake this test on behalf of another person.”
Examiner: “Very good. Before we head out, I just need you to stand over here, and read for me the name of that character standing over there.”
Wimplebottom: “The large orc warrior with the purple fedora?”
Examiner: “Yes, that’s the one”
Wimplebottom: “Uh, eff you en kay one enn four tee zero arr”
Examiner: “Good. Ok Mr Wimplebottom, if you’d like to take me to your character, we’ll get underway shall we?”
Wimplebottom: “It… it’s the paladin over in the corner there.”
Examiner: “Very well, lead on.”
<Seated on the shoulders of a paladin>
Examiner: “All set?”
Examiner: “There’s no need to be nervous Mr Wimplebottom, just take your time and remember what you’ve been taught by your instructor and you’ll be fine. Now, in your own time, if you could take as out of the test centre, and as we approach the town centre I’d like you to look for a group at the first opportunity.”
Wimplebottom: (in the trade channel) “LFG 4 QST AN STUFF !!!!111”
Examiner makes a note on his clipboard.
Wimplebottom: (glancing sideways at what the examiner is doing) “Oh. Oh darn it. Sorry. Sorry! I know this, it’s just… I’m very nervous.”
Examiner: “Everyone is nervous Mr Wimplebottom, just try to relax and remember what you’ve been taught.”
Wimplebottom: (in the looking for group channel) “Hello, I’m a level five paladin, looking for a group to the Forest of Doom. I have several quests there including [That’s Not My Chastity Belt] and [The Dark Hedgehogs of the Deathening] and I would like to find some like-minded adventurers to join me on my quest.”
Examiner makes some notes on his clipboard while nodding approvingly.
Wimplebottom breathes a sigh and relaxes.
<Later, travelling through the Forest of Doom>
Examiner: “Ok, Mr Wimplebottom, when I tap your paladin on the shoulder pads, thus, I want you to perform an emergency heal of a fellow adventurer who is in danger without them having to ask for aid.”
<Later, questing with a group in the Dungeons of Davina Darknickers>
Examiner: “At the first opportunity, I’d like you to pull your character over and then perform a full party buff with the appropriate buffs according to class.”
<Later, while soloing in the Dessert Sprinkle Desert>
Wimplebottom: “Oh great, there’s another person doing their test here and they need the same quest mobs that I do. I always have trouble remembering what to do here.”
Examiner looks ahead and remains silent.
Wimplebottom: “Oh yes, it’s his right of way because he was in the area first, but I can merge from the outside if I indicate to him my intentions and he waves me through.”
Wimplebottom: (whispering to other adventurer) “Hello, are you on the quest [Defeat 100 Token Sprinkle Toads, Just Because]? If so, may I join you? I’m sure we will be able to complete the quest quicker together.”
Examiner gives an approving smile.
<Later, back at the Test Centre>
Examiner: “Right Mr Wimplebottom, if you’d like to park your paladin in a safe place and log out.”
Wimplebottom looks anxiously at the examiner.
Examiner: “I’m happy to tell you Mr Wimplebottom that you have passed your test and have qualified for your character license.”
Wimplebottom breathes a huge sigh of relief and beams with joy.
Examiner: “You had a few minor fails. You ran through several populated areas whilst jumping and spinning around and generally acting like an arse. There was also the incident with the mining node and the person fighting a mob beside it.”
Wimplebottom: “I know, I shouldn’t have taken it, I just assumed they didn’t want it.”
Examiner: “Assumption is a dangerous thing Mr Wimplebottom; there are rules for a reason. Other than those two failures and the fact that you had several occasions where you typed in all capital letters…”
Wimplebottom: “That was an accident, I did apologise!”
Examiner: “Mr Wimplebottom, you were holding down the shift key while typing, and you apologised when you remembered that you were on your test. Anyway, as I said, these minor failures were not enough to fail you overall, so you are deemed qualified and responsible enough to take your character out into the game world on your own. Congratulations.”
Wimplebottom: “Thank you!”
Examiner: (scribbling on the clipboard) “If you will take this assessment form into the main office and present it along with your temporary license, they will issue you with your full license. Good day to you Mr Wimplebottom.”
<Wobbly wavey dream sequence>
So there you have it, dear reader; Melmoth sleeps ever on in his wonderful weird world of MMO character driving examinations and chocolate coated slippers, but we must leave this sphere of unawakening and travel elsewhere, for to stare into the mind of Melmoth is to stare into the lemon-scented abyss of rotisserie madness.
Fare thee well!
Funny, and so true to life.